Starring Severus Snape 2: Severus Snape Simulates!
by aims80
Summary: What happens when our favourite potions teacher, on the back of his huge sucess as a Muggle movie star, is forced to reprise the role in a mini-series? Please R&R.
1. Snape STILL loves life

_A/N. This is the sequel to "Starring Severus Snape" (it is not necessary to have read that story before reading this one but it might help a little bit) and will come to replace the stories called "Severus Snape Simulates" and "Severus Snape in 'Sexy Singles" which were up on the site but have been removed so I could incorporate parts of them in this where needed and discard the rest. So it is possibly you might recognize parts of the early chapters for this story and for "Starring Severus Snape 3: Severus Snape Simulates" and, possibly, "Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages." _

_For anyone who might be curious the reason I am doing this is purely because whilst I was _happy_ with the concepts of the two sequels to the first story I was never happy with the _writing _or the flow of the stories. But I _am _passionate about having this sequel written and uploaded on as I go. _

_The final "business item" I need to mention is that I noticed that there were a couple of mistakes in "Starring Severus Snape" in that time jumped around a bit so that will definitely be fixed when I get the chance. (I.E. the "OWLs" were mentioned as having been taken in one of the early chapters but they wouldn't be taken until the end of this story instead.) So, for the time being here is a rough timetable of when the books are/will be set:_

"_Starring Severus Snape" was set during the first half of "The Order of the Phoenix." (I.E. Before Christmas.)_

"_Starring Severus Snape 2: Reality Bites Snape" is set during the second half of "The Order of the Phoenix." (I.E. After Christmas.)_

"_Starring Severus Snape 3: Severus Snape Simulates" will be set during the first half of "The Half Blood Prince."_

"_Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages" will be set during the very end of "The Half Blood Prince."_

_One last thing (and congrats to those who have read the authors note up until this stage but I wanted to make sure the things I think important for readers of this story are put down here even if it is in a longer authors note than usual) is that this chapter as the first chapter of the story is a fair bit longer than other chapters will, likely, be. _

_I hope you read and enjoy this story (and SS1- not that I'm tooting my own horn here, lol) and if you have any ideas, comments, constructive criticism as to how I can make the story sound better, or you see any mistakes please, please let me know. I write my stories- both fanfiction and fictionpress original works because I enjoy writing them but I'd also love, love for other people to read and then review the story as often as possible._

* * *

**STARRING SEVERUS SNAPE 2:**

**Reality Bites Severus Snape.**

**When we last saw Severus Snape our hero had returned to the normalcy of his daily existence as the potions master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, having completed all his commitments for "William the Wizard"; the Muggle movie he'd accidentally stumbled into and come to star in, and had no intention of ever acting again. The school year was finishing and Snape was worrying about what would happen when the students returned to school having seen his movie. All Snape wants now is his old life back. But he has no idea what kind of impact "William the Wizard" made on the country…**

Chapter One: Snape _still_ loves life.

"That is all for today, you may go- but please remember your assignments are due in next week and I will be deducting marks for anything handed in late. And anything more than two days late will be an automatic fail." Snape said as he dismissed the third grade class. With a swish of his robes he turned his back on the students filing out of the room and sat down at his own desk. As an afterthought he called out "Oh and Rona Spelltrix please don't try and tell me a snumplewhatsit ate your homework again because there are no such things."

"It's called a Snuff-" The tiny girl began but her friend nudged her so sharply in the ribs she cried out in pain. Despite constant admonitions by the Gryffindor girl's prefect to change her hair back to its usual mousy colour Rona's hair remained a stubborn cross between pink and lavender. This was possibly because she did not remember how she had changed it in the first place- or because her mum was part fairy. There were those, Snape included, who thought it was going too far when half-bloods were let into the school let alone those whose genealogy belonged partly in an entirely other species.

"She won't Professor Snape. Her homework will be in on time with no mistakes whatsoever." Ian Bartlett's eyes were firm behind the large glasses that took up over half of his face. As friends the two were the perfect foils for one another but there was something about them, or their relationship, that Snape just did not like. Could it be it reminded him of a friendship a lifetime ago between a stunningly beautiful and intelligent girl and an ordinary and ostracized boy?

'There was optimism for you!' Snape thought but he said nothing. For a moment he simply sat where he was, drinking in the fact that after too many long years he was now the "Defence Against the Dark Arts" (DADA) teacher, before he turned over the first in the sheaf of parchments on the right side of his desk. As part of his sixth grade class Snape had decided to let his students write an essay on a topic of their choosing. At that stage he was still "Potions" master and, honestly despite copious campaigning, had not expected that he would finally be given his dream job of "DADA". He was still grading these assignments since he had handed them out and given the students free reign providing they met a couple of conditions- one that it was to do with either historical or contemporary potions, two that it demonstrated the student's ability to be able to look beyond Hogwarts for research information and three that it showed the student had the knowledge of potions to be able to cope with an OWL course. Those with sixty percent or less would be effectively put on notice. Snape knew that was a harsh position to take when other teachers, such as Minerva McGonagall, were mollycoddling their classes now that the Ministry of Magic had finally admitted Lord Voldemort was back, but he cared little for the opinions of other staff at the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry- when had he before and why would he now?

"_Dark Arts and Dark Potions: Are they the same thing? By Draco Malfoy" _read the first paper. Snape did not need to peruse the paper to know Draco was talking about half bloods using potions to try and disguise themselves as purebloods to try and trick Voldemort and his Death eaters. No doubt Lucius had helped him plenty with this essay- perhaps even Voldemort himself. He thought it probable that Draco was trying to get in Snape's new position as well as his old one. Clearly the Malfoys had been forewarned about the changes in staffing. Snape was pretty sure he had said nothing- after all he had only found out very recently himself!- so someone else in the know had blabbed and he was curious as to who that might be. Especially since the Malfoys had openly declared their allegiance to Lord Voldemort.

The second essay was in a practically illegible scribble and was called _"Why the Regulation of potions ingredients is more important than ever, by Neville Longbottom."_ Snape gave a half shrug- well after what had happened to Frank and Alice Longbottom, Neville's parents, who were tortured to madness by Death Eaters, was it any wonder the child was anxious to ensure that if Voldemort was intent on beginning a second, bloodier war, none of his schoolmates parents were tortured like Neville's were. Snape suspected, judging by Malfoy and Longbottom's essays that the official return of Voldemort would feature heavily in most homework done over the school break- in fact that rather suited him because it meant people's minds were on the more dangerous topic of another fight between good and evil instead of a little movie called "William the Wizard." Snape shook his head to clear that awful name from his mind and then flicked through the papers a little faster; now really only wanting to see the titles of three in particular.

Ronald Weasley's was first- _"Making Muggles Magic: Is there any merit to the idea of keeping wizarding schools exclusive in the 20__th__ century?" _Snape stared at the title, his hand shaking slightly. There was no way Ron had come up with that title or idea, he had neither the brains nor the balls and he was sure when he came to read it that the ideas expressed within would be more of the caliber of the fifth grade's genius Hermione Granger. The girl herself's essay was called _"Muggle V Wizard: Are potions more dangerous than Muggle pharmacology or recreational drugs?" _And last, but unfortunately not least, Harry Potter wrote on the topic of _"Werewolf: worrisome or welcoming, wicked or wondrous?"_ and Snape couldn't help but snort. Potter was obviously referring to Remus Lupin who had taught Defence Against the Dark Arts in Potter's third year and who had, also, happened to be a werewolf. Snape had been annoyed when it had taken someone so long to work out what Lupin's dark secret had been and even then it had been no other than Granger. Lupin also happened to have been best friends with three other young men when they all went to "Hogwarts" together- Sirius Black (Potter's god-father who had spent years in Azkaban- the wizarding prison- for a crime he didn't even commit and who had, at the end of the last school year died fighting Voldemort and his supporters), James Potter (the father young Harry had never known since the elder Potter was so heroic and noble in defending his son from the Dark Lord along with his wife Lily) and Peter Pettigrew (who happened to have gone over to the dark side very early in the first war and who had been loyal to Voldemort ever since- even before his return). The foursome had made Snape's school life a terror and it was one of the reasons he disliked Harry Potter- and by extension his friends- so much.

He put all the parchments back to the right side of his desk- he would worry about marking them later. After all with the school year only three days in his OWL class wasn't going anywhere.

That reminded him of the fact that despite the daily dread he had felt all of the Christmas school holidays towards the students returning for the new year- sure they would have all gone to see the crappy "William the Wizard" which was coming out exactly in the middle of the students holidays- just for new ways to make fun of him- the results were surprisingly pleasingly. Some students were too busy being worried about Cornelius Fudge, the former Minister of Magic, and his declarations that "you-know-who has, regrettably, returned" and "that vigilance will be the best weapon we, as a community, have against you-know-who and his supporters." (This despite Albus Dumbledore and others telling Fudge for more than the past year that this was happening- probably a reason there was a new Minister. There would have been even if events had not happened as they did in Snape's opinion.) Others _had_ seen the movie and he'd heard them raving about it and lavishing praise upon him and his co-stars- although not to his face of course. At first he'd thought the non-incidence of mockery was all part of a plot to pull his leg, make fun of him in some way but he'd gradually realized that this was for real. For the first time this school actually held _good_ memories for Professor Severus Snape. When he'd come back to teach there he hadn't looked for popularity, and he certainly had not found it, but all of a sudden he was popular. He was no longer "that horrible potions teacher" (probably because he took points away from someone's house) or "that hook nosed pale vampire skinned freak" (Ron Weasley), instead he was "that lucky teacher who worked with that hot Emma" (clearly someone blind, delirious, insane or all of the above) and "that famous teacher".

Towards him they still exhibited the same coolness and dislike and he was glad of that because he didn't want to have to talk about the movie, nor did he want his relationships to change with the students- he was their teacher not their best friend and while some other professors at the school were definitely erring on the wrong side of this balance he felt he had it exactly right. Things, finally, were as they should be in the life of Severus Snape.

Sighing he put his head down and studied the magazine in front of him. He'd made a clandestine trip to Hogsmeade to get a copy of _"Cosmowitch"_ which was reviewing his movie in this issue. He'd read one or two of the first muggle reviews from early previews of the movie but really it was the wizarding ones he was most concerned about, how they viewed him, and the movie, were far more important. He checked the contents page and then flicked through to what he was searching for. He'd expected something bigger, in fact he'd been expecting a full size page, but instead it was just one of a couple of reviews- two muggle movies, including his own, a review of a wizarding bands latest "gig" and a play "Beaubaxtons" had put on. The review was headed **"From Hogwarts to Hollywood: Did Severus Snape pull off playing a wizard in a muggle movie?"** He began to read:

"In a movie made by "Hampton Productions"- with Mr. Hampton himself

having collected countless "Oscars", "Emmies", "BAFTAS" and many

more awards besides- the director and production team could have

had absolutely _any_ leading man they wanted; Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt,

George Clooney, Tom Hanks to actors on our side of the "big pond"

like Clive Owen, Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman- after all who among

them would have turned down a lead role in a Hampton movie, a movie

guaranteed to be a blockbuster and already being hailed as a major

"Oscars" chance? Instead Mr. Hampton and his advisors picked none

other than Severus Snape, the potions teacher at "Hogwarts" for many

years, a man who had never acted in his entire life. To say I was

skeptical about this casting decision would be like saying that a goblin

has a good monetary plan or that fairies are distracted by shiny

things.

Movies about the magical world of witches and wizards are a Sickle a

Dozen so this witch went to see "William the Wizard" expecting to see

a movie crammed full of typical muggle misconceptions about the

wizarding world; very few Hollywood movies or television series- think

"Teen Witch", "Escape to Witch Mountain", "The Wizard of Mars",

"Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and "Warlock" amongst many, many

others- truly succeed in capturing the reality. So when I didn't see people

being turned into frogs, or having liberal sprinklings of "love potion"

poured over their morning cereal, nor wearing lurid Gilderoy Lockhart

style robes in the first few minutes I suddenly realised that this movie

just _might_ be the exception to the rule. In fact the movie managed to

make this hardened movie skeptic actually care about the main

characters and, by the end of the movie, I was completely rooting for

the good guys. In a "knut-shell" the movie manages to both poke fun at

the muggle world- the prime example being the inept British Prime

Minister- as well as the wizarding world, all in all, making for a

thoroughly entertaining movie that every witch and wizard should see."

Snape glanced at the key to the side of the page and saw that the movie had been rated "4 martinis out of 5 and make mine a dirty martini if Severus Snape is involved please!" He didn't realize he was holding his breath until he let it out in a whoosh. A great review- the wizarding magazine had loved the movie. He'd heard, mainly through Adam, that the muggle papers would be printing similar reviews from early previews but had not managed to get around to reading more than one or two of them as the movie had only come out a less than two full weeks ago and he had been busy preparing for the new school year. Shockingly, and annoyingly, Adam was completely right: word was that the muggle papers had loved the movie; although they of course missed some of the jokes that the wizarding world would get. Snape decided right then and there that he would order the specific copies of _"The Daily Prophet"_ and _"Merlin's Monthly"_ reviewing the movie so he grabbed his quill, spilling some ink on his desk in his haste which he cleaned by running his wand over the laminated wood, and two pieces of parchment and drafted a request for the various documents. The letters then went into his robes to take to give to an owl later.

"They loved me!" Snape said out loud, the strange words sounding, and tasting, unusual in his mouth. Nobody had ever loved him! He doubted this would stop the students from spending a large portion of their time from making fun of him but it might make things just that bit more bearable at the school for a little while at least.

"W-w-who do Professor Snape sir?"

Snape jumped as though he'd been stung by a poisonous Pompletooth Snake; he'd thought the classroom was empty, that all the students had left the moment he'd dismissed them, as students were wont to do at the end of one of his classes. He looked down his nose at the Hufflepuff student who was standing warily in front of his desk, shifting from one foot to the other.

"How long have you been there?" Snape demanded.

"The whole c-class sir." Butterworth answered looking confused.

"No! Standing there?" Snape snapped, irritated.

"Oh since the c-c-class finished sir." Butterworth replied.

"Why the hell didn't you make yourself known instead of standing there like a silent snodgraff?" Snape asked. He hadn't noticed anyone else in the room when the two girls left- could it have been he was so engrossed in his own memories, memories haunting him still, that he did not even notice the boy? Although, in Snape's defence, Butterworth _was_ forgetful with his ruddy country complexion, blonde/brown hair and hazel eyes.

"I did, I asked y-you a couple of t-t-times." Butterworth protested.

"Asked me what B-B-Butterworth?" Snape asked nastily.

"If you c-c-could help me with my m-muggle studies assignment?"

Snape was silent for a moment as he tried to work out how many students had approached him in connection with various assignments revolving around "William the Wizard" in the few days since the Hogwarts students had returned from their breaks. Naturally all had been sent away with a flea in their ear. He might be secretly proud of the fact that so many students had loved his movie but it did not mean he was going to become the new, improved Professor Snape. If he were gaining gold coins for every time a student had asked him for help on an assignment in which the movie "just happened to come up" he'd be rich. And if he also had a gold coin for each time he refused to help and instead come up with a nasty retort he would be even richer!

It had occurred to Snape that perhaps the other Professors were doing this on purpose, making sure they milked his appearance in the muggle movie for all it was worth. Perhaps they were also a bit miffed that the students had come back praising Snape instead of picking on him as expected? Whatever the case Snape had decided the best strategy was to ignore all requests for information or help in connection with his acting in the hope that it would fade away and never be mentioned again. He had been fully prepared to make a potion to ensure every teacher, student and magical creature of the school completely forgot what Snape had been up to the year before but it was a lot of work and he decided to see what happened first. As luck would have it things were so far working out all right. Touch wood.

"Tell me B-B-Butterworth what class do I teach? And for heavens sake could you stand still? You're making me dizzy." Snape queried.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts sir." Butterworth squeaked, a little nervously, almost like he was being asked a question in an important exam.

"Correct, take twenty points for Hufflepuff." Snape said sarcastically. He sighed and his head went back down to the second graders summer homework- which he was currently up to grading going in order from the lower classes to the higher- and he began to make ticks, crosses and notes on the first page. Silence reigned in the dungeon classroom for a full three or four minutes.

"B-B-But sir one of the older boys-" Butterworth suddenly burst out.

"For Merlin's sake! Why are you still here B-B-Butterworth?" He asked.

"You didn't say w-whether you were going to h-h-help me with my essay. The topic is w-wizards playing wizards in m-muggle films good or bad and d-d-discuss." Butterworth replied, his voice barely even audible.

"No B-B-Butterworth, I am not going to help. Close the door behind you." Snape replied coldly. The kid was as thick as a hippogriff.

Butterworth couldn't leave the dungeon fast enough.

Snape sighed and glanced at the clock and was relieved to see lunch was in just under half an hour as he was rather hungry. The porridge served up for breakfast that morning had been as thin as water and as unappetizing and Snape had realized that the work ethic of the house elves had slacked off considerably in the last few weeks. House-elves spent their whole lives serving one family or institution unless they were specifically freed (something that any house-elf would view as embarrassing and shameful were it to happen) and took pride in doing so. Hogwarts house-elves were usually only too happy to keep the castle spotlessly clean and serve wonderful meals; legend had it that Helga Hufflepuff had introduced them to the school where she offered them refuge and they had been living there, keeping generations of staff and students comfortable, ever since. All house-elves were loyal to their owners and if they thought their masters weren't happy then they, in turn, wouldn't be happy either. Yet his complaints had gone completely ignored? He, Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, holder of a MOP (Master in Potions) and hopefully soon to be member of the exclusive International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions, deserved better! If things didn't pick up soon Snape wouldn't hesitate to take the entire house elf population of Hogwarts to the Department for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures for punishment. Or worse- they could end up at the Office of House-Elf Relocation at the Ministry of Magic and end up somewhere not as comfortable and with masters not as easygoing as they currently had.

His lips curved into some semblance of a grin: what would Hermione Granger and her fellow S.P.E.W members think of _that_? The news of her starting her little crusade a year and a half before had naturally filtered through to the Hogwarts teachers, including Snape. Some softies, such as Professor Flitwick the Charms teacher, had thought there was some merit in her cause but Snape didn't see what the fuss was about. As lesser beings house elves didn't even have rights, and as it were they should think themselves lucky to have a good job, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies- even if the food they were eating was as crap as the staff and students were forced to eat. Snape knew there were many house elves elsewhere who were not treated anywhere near as good as the Hogwarts house elves. He couldn't help but think of Kreacher, the Black's house elf from number twelve Grimmauld Place- surely even Granger would agree that the surly and rude house elf needed a good kick up the backside? Although she might be biased seeing as how Kreacher despised muggle born witches and wizards, of which she was one. If Salazar Slytherin had had his way back when the magical school had been founded muggle born's wouldn't even be at Hogwarts- something Snape thought wasn't entirely without merit. What irked him most about Granger though was the fact that she was by far and away the smartest witch- or wizard- he had ever seen pass through the school. She had easily passed her OWL and no doubt would have the highest NEWT scores seen in a long time.

Thinking about Granger inevitably led Snape to think about her two companions: Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Snape's lips tightened with dislike and he spat out, "The famous Harry Potter, boy hero and savior of all wizardkind." From the moment Potter had stepped foot in the school Snape hadn't liked him; partly because of the fact that his father was James Potter one of Snape's tormenters from his own years as a student at Hogwarts and partly because he found Potter's constant hero complex nauseating. When Gilderoy Lockhart had been teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts in Potter's second year- another sore point as Snape knew he was by far and away the best person for the job yet the headmaster Dumbledore consistently appointed other witches and wizards to the position and not one had lasted more than a year yet- Snape had gotten a glimpse into what he believed Potter's future might be: a superficial, arrogant man who would enjoy the adulation brought about simply by being the Boy who lived. And let's face it, Snape thought in disgust, Potter had been a mere baby when Voldermort's curse upon him had backfired and had hardly been because the baby had any real powers or had done anything special. Snape knew that his dislike for the teenager was returned in full. His face reddened as he remembered the Snape Tape's from last year. Somehow Granger had managed to get hold of a tape from "Good Morning London" on which Snape had appeared, reluctantly, promoting the movie. As if this was not bad enough she, Potter and Weasley had then had daily screenings of the interview so that in a few short days most of the students in the school had seen it. When he'd found out that the trio were responsible for it he'd demanded revenge but the headmaster had not seen the gravity of the situation. Which, Snape thought bitterly now, was not surprising as Dumbledore was probably the number one ticket holder of the Harry Potter fan club. Nonetheless Snape knew for sure that Potter seemed to spend a good portion of his time trying to embarrass and undermine him- time which might be better served concentrating on his study.

And then there was Weasley; a disaster in the making whenever the red-head even picked up his wand and pointed it at something. Besides which Snape had nothing but contempt for the Weasley family- Arthur, the "man" of the house was absolutely enamored with muggles and anything muggle made and didn't even try to hide it. It made Snape's position working in the Order a hard task to swallow. Perhaps the only consolation was that whilst Granger had her brains and Potter had his famous title as the defeater of Voldemort- at least for twelve odd years anyway as Voldermort had returned to life a year and a half ago now- Weasley had nothing. He'd been lucky to pass any OWLS let alone passing any NEWTS in the future and his post-Hogwarts occupation was probably going to involve working in the Leaky Cauldron with the moronic Tom, or perhaps selling schoolbooks to future Hogwarts students in Diagon Alley. Poetic justice perhaps Snape mused.

**

Absorbed in his own thoughts- and occasionally grabbing the quill and scroll which sat beside the magazine as a hairy question popped into his head and could be used for DADA exams or pop quizzes for various grades- Snape didn't realize it was lunchtime until a good five minutes after it would have begun. He was just getting ready to go down to the Great Hall when an owl knocked on the tiny window he had in his office. He went over to open it and receive the letter from its beak, and then placed a couple of coins into the bag tied onto its right leg which it held up expectantly. He waited until he was back at his desk to open it and quickly read it before going down to the hall for something to eat. Between two folded pieces of parchment two smaller folded pages fell out. He put the smaller one to the side and read the parchments first:

_Dear Professor Snape,_

_It is with great pleasure that I write to invite you to attend our _

_134__th__ annual 'Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner' as an _

_Honoured Guest. Your contribution to Wizard-Muggle relations _

_via the blockbuster success of "William the Wizard" affords you _

_an invitation._

_This year the United Kingdom has the privilege of holding the _

_event and we are determined to make sure the event is an _

_extreme success. It will be held in Hogsmeade on February 7 _

_and guests are asked to arrive by 6 p.m. due to extra security_

_measures that are being put in place by ourselves and the _

_Ministry of Magic._

_As you know the 'Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner' is an _

extremely _auspicious event and each year only a select _

_number of Honoured Guests are invited as well as permanent _

_members of the 'Wizards in the Muggle World Association' who _

_are made up of the best and brightest witches and wizards who _

_have chosen to make their way in the muggle world- actors _

_and actresses, sports stars, models, singers, academics, authors,_

_politicians and a number of Noble Prize winners. _

_Not only will you be a guest at the dinner but the committee of _

_the Association has unanimously voted for you to give the _

_keynote address. I don't need to tell you that this is one of the _

_highest distinctions given to a witch or wizard- that out of the _

_ten Honoured Guests you have been chosen to make this _

_speech, and by doing so you will be among such exalted _

_company as Matthew Perry, David Beckham and Sir Elton John _

_in recent years. Further this tribute makes you eligible to join _

_the Association and be an automatic invite to all future "Wizards_

_in the Muggle World Association."_

_Enclosed is the official invitation which needs to be RSVP'd by _

_the 23rd of January. Also it would be appreciated if you could _

_provide us with a synopsis of your speech by return owl or as _

_soon as possible. This will be helpful in printing the official_

_booklet all guests receive upon arrival at the dinner. _

_This year's dinner is being proudly sponsored by _"Witchspeak

Europe"_ (The magazine for every discerning witch's entertainment)._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Helga Frankenwhomp._

_Co-ordinator of the Annual Wizards in the Muggle World Dinner_

_'Wizards in the Muggle World Association.'_

_United Kingdom chapter._

Snape re-read the letter again to make sure he was reading it right; some stupid woman really believed that not only would he attend a dinner honouring him for his misfortune in stumbling onto the set, and into the cast of, "William the Wizard" but that he would get up and make some kind of speech. He slowly shook his head, unable to even comprehend the insanity problems inside Helga Frankenwhomp's mind. The letter was crumpled up and thrown into the fire grate- which was not yet lit- and, after only a quick look, the invitation complete with RSVP followed behind it. If he were to give a speech at one of these things it would no doubt center on the fact that wizards should live in the wizarding world and muggles in the muggle world, mixing the two species was nothing more than a recipe for disaster- they didn't even speak the same language half the time!

But the other two pages were saved from the fire. Staring back at him from the pages of the glossy magazine was a full page photo of him, taken from somewhere in the movie, where he was looking at the camera with a small smile on his face. Underneath it read **"Stunning Severus Snape in 'William the wizard'"** in large pink print. Then smaller it added **"The man behind the wizard."** He started to read:

'Coming to the acting scene a little bit later in life is not usually easy but

somehow Severus Snape has managed to make the jump from a school

potions teacher to lead character in a blockbuster movie. Severus, 48,

has been close lipped about the movie and about his private life but I was

able to pick the brains of his former fiancée, one Rita Skeeter: "That's Sev

for you," Ms. Skeeter, a striking woman in her forties tells this writer over

coffee. "He's never, ever wanted to blow his own trumpet. His academic

career was simply stellar and he can talk potions with anyone but ask him

about his opinions on anything muggle, ask him about his feelings and

emotions, and he clams up faster than a Jindabyne Oyster!"

But did Severus express any secret desire to act I ask?

"No. I've heard a muggle saying which goes something like 'never work

with animals or children but Sev would have amended it to never work

with muggles full stop." Ms. Skeeter answers with a tinkly little laugh.

So Severus Snape, big time blockbuster actor, didn't even like muggles?

Ms. Skeeter looks embarrassed, like she is giving away some big secret.

"Hated them. Wanted to curse them every five seconds. Sev- although

this is something he will hate me for revealing- is only a half blood so

I think perhaps he envies pure bloods and dislikes muggles at the same

which is a bit of a contradiction. His father was a muggle so I think

that it is possibly why Sev has such an intense dislike of muggles…"

Here she clams up completely and the only information she reveals is

that she is soon to be publishing a book about her life with Severus

Snape, muggle movie star, and contractual obligations prevent her from

revealing too much- but she promises that _"Witchspeak"_ will be the first

magazine she speaks to after her book is launched.

Due to Severus being so close lipped about the movie and his private

life- in fact some have claimed he has been decidedly "un-actorly" about

it, refusing to blow his own trumpet like most of the acting fraternity- the

films' production team were forced to make a decision and have issued

a large press-packet with all the information mags such as ours needs

about this unlikely sex symbol- and no doubt when those who worked in

and on the movie come out from under the shade of their massive

confidentiality contract they will be more than happy to give us many

more tidbits about our newest favourite actor. The press-packet is filled

with fascinating facts such as his favourite food is Italian, he's always

wanted to own a Porsche, he has ambitions to move into the directing

side of making movies, he never misses an episode of "Coronation

Street" (and in fact feverently hopes to one day make a cameo on

"Corrie"), he's always wanted to own a Porsche, he plays the guitar

brilliantly and he always wears a sexy, but understated,

Calvin Klein cologne.

For those interested- and I'm betting there are plenty more now

who _are_ interested- Rita Skeeter's book **"Sleeping with Severus**

**Snape" **is due out in bookstores in a month's time."

Snape stopped reading. He couldn't believe what he'd just read: they had everything about him wrong- _especially_ his age!- and that was only the first bloody paragraph! And what on earth was Rita Skeeter doing claiming that she had been his bloody fiancée and writing a book about their "life together." He felt sick just thinking about living with a woman who looked like her with her glasses, terrible clothing sense and horrid hair, let alone the world, the wizarding world rather as no muggle would read the article, thinking that he, Snape, had been in a serious enough relationship with her as to contemplate marriage! He didn't think he could stomach reading any more tripe about himself so he did a quick skim through the article looking for the review on the movie but it wasn't until the very end that he saw a very small heading at the end of the article which said **"Our readers and some staff writers review William the Wizard on the next page."**

He turned the page so fast that he ripped it in his eagerness to see the reviews:

"OMG Sevvy is _soooo _hot! This is like the _only _time I've ever wanted to

be British!"

**Marianne, Paris, 13.**

"It was my job, on behalf of the mag, to go and see the movie "WTW"

starring Severus Snape of "Hogwarts" fame. And it was pretty clear to

see that the man himself had more than just a little influence on the film:

not only did the reality of the wizarding world shine through, it was

also clear to see that Severus has an excellent sense of humour as

the movie simply snap, crackled and popped with in-jokes only those

in the wizarding world would have got. It didn't hurt that Severus was

hot, hot, HOT either."

**Jenny, Staff reviewer, **_**"Witchspeak."**_

"I have already seen this movie eight times and I'm defo gonna' see

It many more yet. Sevvy is a babe!"

**Andrea, 14, Bristol.**

"My biggest regret? That I wasn't old enough to take part in the

Triwizard Tournament two years ago!"

**Le-Ann, 13, Belgium**.

"Whenever muggles are set to portray wizards on the big screen I can't

help but cringe. I actually had no intention of seeing "WTW" except

having been educated at "Hogwarts" before moving to Ireland I instantly

recognized the name "Severus Snape" on the billboards all over

Dublin and prayed to Merlin this movie was going to be different. Surely,

Surely, a wizard would not let the usual Hollywood perceptions of what

a wizard would do or how a witch would look. Luckily I was rewarded:

"WTW" was excellent; Severus was brilliant and played William to

absolute perfection- a man tormented by his knowledge and torn

between his desire to protect his family and the burning for revenge and

need to do the right thing and stop the evil that is threatening to engulf

the world he loves so. Loved the movie. Loved all the actors. I hope there

is going to be a sequel!"

**Kathy, staff writer, "Witchspeak."**

"When my mum threatened not to let me see the movie in case it was

too violent and made us witches and wizards look like idiots I was _sooo_

upset. I didn't talk to her or Daddy for like a week until they finally gave

in and let me go and see it and I am like sooo glad they did cos the

movie was brilliant and Sev was gorgeous! He could totally teach me

Potions any day- and I would actually go to class if he were my teacher!"

**Daniella, 13, Greece.**

"I thought this movie was great- the plot was interesting, the

characters were well-developed and real, the actors and actresses

were incredibly gifted, and it has all the makings of one of the best

movies of the year. If it doesn't win at least a couple of major awards

I will be so shocked."

**Lexie, 15 ½, Sweden. **

"Best. Movie. Ever."

**Kylie, 14, Edinburgh. **

Snape just stared at the article: which was worse? The article with Rita Skeeter's lies or the reviews where _children_ were calling him Sevvy and Sev and saying he was hot? He didn't know. The _"Witchspeak"_ article joined the other pages in the fire and he lit the fire with a flash from his wand.

He stood up and stretched. If he hurried he could get to the owlery and get the letters off and still get to the Great Hall in time for some food. As he left his study he couldn't help but curb his disappointment; when the owl had knocked on the window he'd been sure, so sure, that it was the letter telling him that his potions essay had been accepted and he would become part of the International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions. Which reminded him- shouldn't he now join the national, or the international even, DADA association or perhaps even think about getting his Masters in Dark Art Defence like he did in potions?


	2. An Odd Prediction

_A/N. Remember I was planning on making sure that SSS1 was set during the fifth book and SSS2 during the sixth book. The plan is that instead of having SSS1 finish at the Christmas holidays portion of book five it will instead finish at the summer holidays between books five and six and therefore this story will be beginning not in the winter after Christmas but in the summer of Harry and Co's sixth year at Hogwarts._

_Also this chapter has been redone and changed as well as a bit more being added to it. _

Chapter Two: The War that must be won.

Snape gathered his secret "William the Wizard" documents- reviews, articles in both Wizarding and Muggle papers, etc- and placed them in a magically locked box where he kept things when he wanted them to be secret, safe, or both. Then he locked the door behind him as he wouldn't be back there until later that afternoon as he had a couple of free periods and had planned to go into Hogsmeade for some things; you could never be too careful he'd learnt when his stores had been raided three years ago for a polyjuice potion, and hurried on his way, guided by his grumbling stomach. Although, he thought ruefully as he raced along the corridor, his robe billowing out behind him, if the food was of the same standard as lately he'd not be missing much. He decided that after lunch he would draft a suitably scathing and intimidating letter to the house elf population of the school informing them they were officially on notice to improve their cooking and if things didn't improve within a week he'd be dragging the lot of them by their ridiculously oversized ears to the department in London. If that didn't scare them into taking their usual pride in their work nothing would. For the first time he wondered whether the elves had been frightened into their sloppy standard of work. Death eaters might- somehow- try to recruit them on behalf of Voldemort. Voldemort would be smart enough to know that food equaled energy and wizards and witches without much energy wouldn't be as likely to oppose him as they might otherwise be. But if that was the case wouldn't he, Snape, know? As far as Voldemort believed Snape was not only a committed Death Eater but also his insider in the school.

Snape stepped outside and took a deep breath of the crisp, fresh air as he hurried towards the Owlerry- despite his hunger he was going to send the two letters promptly and then go and enjoy his lunch.

As he walked briskly up the hillside he wouldn't admit it out loud but part of him was going to the Owlery not just to send the two letters but also to make sure that all the owls hadn't died of some mysterious ailment thus delaying his acceptance letter into the International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions. For a moment Voldemort was far away from his thoughts as he listened to that little niggling voice in his mind whispering that he might _not_ be accepted. He tried to shake it off. Then he realised that he hadn't put the Muggle magazines back into the magically locked box he tended to keep things he wanted to keep secret, safe, or both, in. He didn't have time to go back to his office before lunch but he doubted any student would be brave enough- or silly enough- to go into his study and go through his things.

Snape sent two owls off with the letters he needed to be sent and as he turned back to make his way to the Great Hall and lunch he wondered whether he hadn't been _quite_ as reverent to the Dark Lord as he'd been instructed to do by the Order of the Phoenix and made a quick decision that he'd be extra careful and extra deferential in the future. He also wondered whether the fact that he had played the main role in a muggle movie made any difference. "William the Wizard" had been filmed before Snape had begun his dangerous mission to infiltrate Voldemort's happy band of followers. He, along with the other members of the Order, had debated long into the night one meeting about how Snape would justify his acting role to his Dark Lord. Snape hadn't shown it, at least he _hoped _he hadn't, but he'd been secretly worried- if he couldn't justify the whole thing to himself how could he ever hope to fool Voldemort, a master in leglimency? As it turned out the various stories they came up with never needed to be deployed- Voldemort himself had congratulated Snape on having the insight to integrate himself to the muggle world should they somehow prove useful in the upcoming war. He'd commended him on believing, no _knowing_, he was back while the Ministry spent so much time trying to undermine Potter's word and Cidric Diggory's death and deny that Lord Voldemort could ever return. Snape was, Voldemort said, one of his most loyal subjects and always had been.

Then, back inside, Snape skidded around a corner and then collided solidly with a soft warm body before falling to the ground. Embarrassed he scrambled to his feet and brushed the dirt off his robes and then glared down at the person he'd collided with, never for a second entertaining the thought it may have been his fault.

Professor Trelawney was on the floor, her glasses askew on her nose, her face blotchy red with tears. Not meeting his eyes she got up gingerly. "You should look where you're going Severus- especially at that speed. You could hurt someone." She said shakily. She dusted off her robes and her bangles clanked loudly. A ray from the midday sun coming through a nearby window squarely hit her emerald sequined cloak and mauve coloured- also sequined- shawl and glinted sharply.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Now surely since you _claim_ to see into the future you should have known I was coming along the corridor late for lunch and we were about to run into each other and moved out of the way." He said coldly. And the sight of her tear stained face didn't move him at all, rather as a matter of fact people who cried just annoyed him; besides public displays of affection, infuriating people and annoying Muggles, public displays of emotion made him most uncomfortable.

Trelawney's face went bright red. "Yes, yes, no need to be nasty." She said hastily. "Actually Severus I am glad I ran into you because I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh?" Snape replied nonchalantly. He began to walk again towards the hall and Trelawney fell into step beside him, making Snape sigh inwardly. He didn't really like, or dislike, any one of the staff members at the school more or less than any other but the divination professor was pretty low on his list of likeable people. Not because she was particularly offensive but more because he firmly believed divination to be a complete waste of the student's time. The subject was no doubt one of the most imprecise branches of magic and only a few wizards and witches genuinely processed the gift. While supporters might- and did- argue that because it was an inexact science it required innate gifts, those opposed thought the subject was not only irrelevant but fraudulent. Snape thought that the students would be far better off learning things which would actually be of some use to them in the post-Hogwarts wizarding world. Yes it would be nice to be able to tell the future but only if one really _could_ do so and as far as most of the teachers at Hogwarts were aware Sybill Trelawney had only ever made two accurate predictions in her entire life despite her self-proclaimed title of a "seer" and numerous references to how the same blood flows through her veins as it did through the veins of her great-great-grandmother, the celebrated seer, Cassandra Trelawney.

The other problem was that whenever he encountered the woman he could not help but be reminded of what had happened sixteen years ago. Whilst in an interview with Dumbledore Trelawney had fallen into a trance and Snape overheard her saying "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..." His response had been to immediately rush to let his Dark Lord know what he'd heard and the result had been Voldemort's attack on the Potter family, believing Harry was the child named. The irony of the fact that he had, unwittingly, led to the death of the one woman he'd ever really loved had never escaped Snape and consequently he tried to avoid Trelawney more so than any other teacher in the castle. The shame and guilt had plagued him ever since and it made his feelings towards Harry Potter incredibly complicated. While ninety percent of him despised Potter because he was, in Snape's opinion, James reincarnated and had many bad qualities; there was also the ten percent which had vowed to keep the boy safe, in honor of Lily Potter. Dumbledore was the only person to know anything of this.

He realised that the woman was speaking and tuned back in to hear her say "I wanted to warn you."

Snape bit his lip to avoid smiling. "Going to die am I? Terrible and gruesome death I presume Sybill?"

Every single year, without fail, Trelawney would predict the death of one of her students. And every year her students would be worriedly looking over their shoulders for any signs of "The Grim", a spectral black dog said to be an omen of death.

"Everybody dies sooner or later Severus- well most people anyway- but it's not my place to tell you when or how suffice-" Trelawney began, looking more than a little bit put out that Snape wasn't taking her warning seriously. It wasn't everyone who got to be warned about something in their near future by a genuine seer was it?

"They do indeed and even if you were able to tell me details about my death I wouldn't want to hear them. I don't find the prospect of knowing exactly when or how I am going to die, knowing too that there is nothing I can do about it, very appealing." Snape interrupted her.

"_Suffice_ to say it will not come as a surprise to you considering the dangerous existence you are living-" Trelawney firmly continued.

Snape's reaction time was lightening quick; he stopped dead and while one hand was reaching out and grabbing the woman's hand to stop her progress, the other one was inside his robes and clutching his wand tightly. "What dangerous existence?" Snape demanded. There were only very few people at Hogwarts who knew about his secret mission- Dumbledore, McGonagall very possibly since she was so close to Dumbledore, and, galling as it were, Potter and his two friends- so to hear Trelawney allude to his "dangerous existence" worried him greatly. It could be that she was under the Imperius Curse and being controlled by the caster, a Death Eater or, worse, Voldemort himself, and so Snape was ready to, at any moment, use a stunning spell and then a stealth sensing spell to detect anyone under magical disguise. Although he thought if anyone in the castle were to work out what had been happening he'd put Trelawney's, Binn's, Flitwick's and Hagrid's names at the bottom of the list.

Trelawney's reaction was to simply gape at Snape. She took a step back from him and hit the wall. "Good Merepeople!" She managed, rubbing her arm where Snape's vice like grip had held it.

"What dangerous existence?" Snape repeated, quietly, slowly and firmly.

"Well mixing in the muggle world of course. With your film." Trelawney replied. She lowered her voice. "And, considering the way things are in our world right now, I can't blame you for being jumpy…I'm exactly the same as you, seeing Death Eaters in every shadow, hypnotized giants trying to kill people who might not be on He-Who-Can't-Be-Named's side, zombies in the cupboard…"

Snape studied her for a second, considering things. Then he gave a stiff nod and dropped his hands back to his sides. "It is indeed a dark and scary time Sybill. We just have to believe that the right side, the good side, will prevail." He started to walk again.

Trelawney fell into step right beside him and he sighed inwardly.

Not once had he slipped up and called Voldemort the "Dark Lord" to anyone opposed to him, nor had he referred to him as Voldemort instead of "Lord Voldemort" or the "Dark Lord" to any Death Eater. He blamed his over-reaction on the fact that he had just been worrying about whether Voldemort completely believed in him.

"Severus I know some scents you could burn in your classroom, study or bedroom to help you relax." Trelawney offered.

"I'll be fine I'm sure." Snape responded. They were nearing the Great Hall and the sounds of students eating, talking and laughing came to them.

"Anyway as I was going to say, I was up in my classroom, just relaxing and working on a piece of knitting I want to enter in the Hogsmeade Fair next month when I suddenly got a premonition about you and naturally it was my duty to come and tell you straight away." Trelawney told him seriously.

"Naturally." Snape muttered.

"Severus things aren't back to normal despite what they might seem like at the moment." She paused to let her words sink in. "There is nothing you can do to stop what is going to happen because the event was put in motion last year and try as we might fate is the master of our destiny. Nonetheless I wanted to tell you, so you'd expect it, because perhaps that might help make it easier on you if you know it is coming-" Professor Trelawney went on in what she felt was her most dramatic voice.

"Listen Sybill," Snape interrupted smoothly as they reached the Great Hall and the smell of pumpkin soup wafted temptingly towards them. "I'd love to hear your prediction, honestly I would, but I'm starving, so hungry I could eat a giant's dog. So I'm going to take a rain check on your…erm….premonition…for the moment. As soon as I get a free moment I'll come and see you though."

Professor Trelawney's eyes clouded over and her bottom lip wobbled. "Severus I'm only trying to help."

"Of course you are Sybill, of course you are. But if I'm not going to die just yet I think your warning can wait until after lunch can't it?" Snape said, resisting the urge to just turn on his heel and go in for lunch. At this rate everyone would be finished before he even got in there! And of course he had absolutely no intention of going to see the woman any time soon for whatever nonsense she'd dreamed up now.

"It can….but it will change your life Severus. Again." Trelawney said, adopting her favourite "mysterious and dark" voice in a last ditch effort to make the man listen to what she had to say. In her heart of hearts she knew she hadn't exactly been overrun with true visions but she knew this one was genuine and wanted to share it so that when it came true she'd be praised for warning the potions master.

"Unless I'm going to win Wiz-Lotto it can wait. Now I'm going to eat and you can do whatever you wish Sybill." Snape said sharply, his temper finally getting the better of him.

He turned to walk away but stopped when Trelawney called after him. "Oh and Severus?"

He didn't turn around but waited for her to finish.

"You should pay especial attention to what you wear. In particular when you go to London next week." Trelawney said.

"I'm not going to London any time soon Sybill. But before I do go I'll make sure to check "Witching Vogue" to make sure my outfit is runway worthy. I'll even have my robes dry-cleaned, maybe I might even wear my dress robes…but that is all moot isn't it since I haven't any plans to go to London any time in the near future. Good day Sybill." Snape said. He strode into the Great Hall irritably.

The Ravenclaw third years were already talking about the end of year play, with the success of last year's event obviously still resoundingly loud in their minds. Snape suppressed a shudder as he thought about the Hogwarts production of the Muggle movie "Titanic." Apparently this year it was going to be something called "Gone With The Wind" and, to make a bad situation just that little bit worse, Dumbledore had already been getting in Snape's ear about doing a guest spot in the play. He explained that the wizarding community needed uniting in these times more than any and that surely Snape's presence alone would make the play even more popular. Snap was of course resisting that. He hadn't even attended the play last time so why would he start now? The answer was simple: he wouldn't!

Someone snickered at Snape's passing. "There he goes, William the Wizard, bet he's late for lunch because he has been out auditioning for every Muggle television program available- from "Spooks" to "Emmerdale", from "Footballer's Wives" to "The Bill".." A girl's voice said.

Snape raised his head a little higher and ignored the speaker. He slipped into his seat next to Professor's McGonagall and Flitwick respectively.

"Any reply from the Association yet? Do you want me to look over your proposal for the Worldwide Potions Conference in May?" McGonagall enquired.

"Not yet Minerva." Snape said airily. He certainly wasn't about to volunteer the fact that the acceptance's non-appearance was extremely worrisome, nor the information that he'd been the recipient of a letter from another association all together and offered a guest speaker role. As for her help in writing his proposal- well, put it this way: even if he were the dimmest Muggle ever to have lived he wouldn't ask her help. "But you know what the mail can be like once the weather begins to turn a bit cooler."

Flitwick gave a squeaky laugh. "Cooler? Severus have you been outside recently? It's lovely Autumn weather." He said.

Snape shrugged. He didn't mention that when he'd gone outside a few minutes ago the weather had been turning quite cool and the threat of storms had been hovering on the horizon. Once tucking in to pumpkin soup with bread, and roast pork and potatoes followed by bread and butter pudding Snape forgot all about the divination teacher's insistence that he listen to her. At least for a little while anyway…

**

After lunch Snape pushed his way out through the students, anxious to get out of the Great Hall before Professor (and he used that term lightly for the woman) Trewlaney could catch up with him and continue bugging him. If she was going to receive a genuine premonition then why couldn't she see the winning number for the annual "Count the Bertie Botts" competition that all wizards over the country eagerly entered, coming up in February? Her cryptic "message from beyond" were the very last thing he needed when it seemed everyone in the castle knew how important his acceptance into the "International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions" was to him. The association was, to potions, what the Dark Lord was to terror.

"Bloody Umbridge! There's no way those morons on Slytherin would have been able to beat us last weekend if Harry was playing!" A Gryffindor student complained to her three companions.

"It's a miracle they're able to walk upright without dragging their hands on the ground let alone play Quidditch." Her Ravenclaw friend agreed. "Darwin would be spinning in his grave."

"Who? Oh, you're talking about Felix _Darwent_, the famous wizarding fashion designer. I read something about him in "Fashion Monthly" and they compared him to some Muggles- someone Channel or Shanae or whatever, Raphael Versey, and Tilda MarCartey." The third girl, from Hufflepuff, observed knowingly. Then she looked perplexed. "What's Felix got to do with Quidditch?"

The Ravenclaw girl looked resigned. "Never mind. He's a Muggle scientist who has a theory of evolution- selective traits, that kind of thing…" She trailed off when she realised the other two had no idea whatsoever what she was talking about.

Snape cleared his throat loudly and the three girls' heads all whipped around and upon seeing him they blushed guiltily. If he wasn't so full from a nice lunch he might have taken twenty points off each of their houses. "Actually girls Slytherin won because of talent. And mark my words; we'll be taking home the Quidditch Cup this year without a doubt." He said lazily.

Personally Snape thought the one good decision Umbridge had made in her time here was throwing Potter off the Gryffindor Quidditch team. And putting Professor Trelawney and Hagrid- the imbecilic part giant who for some insane reason considering he got kicked out of Hogwarts before finishing was currently teaching Care of Magical Creatures- on probation wasn't a bad thing either. If she could raise the standards of teachers here at Hogwarts Snape would be happy to support her. And then maybe finally he'd take his rightful place as teacher of Defence Against the Dark Arts.

Not surprisingly none of the girls replied. Instead they ducked between students and hurried out of the Great Hall. Irritated Snape followed suit. "Excuse me, professor coming through, excuse me, move it." He called loudly.

Once clear of the mass of students he brushed down his robes with a little more vigor than was necessarily needed. Maybe tomorrow he'd put a set of traffic lights outside the hall after meals. What was the great rush anyway? Usually students weren't so eager to get to class that there was a crush of students struggling to get out the door. Was there something going on that he didn't know about?

A moment later Snape was seated in his dungeon study feeling glad that this was one period where he didn't have to put up with students. Some would say, given Snape's incredible dislike for children, that he probably wasn't in the best profession. In fact some people _had_ said it. However Snape believed that he was the perfect person to be a teacher- children didn't need to be nurtured and babied, they needed to be disciplined and toughened up for the real world. On that note it was time to start thinking about practice OWL's for the fifth years and practice NEWT's for the seventh years. His usual practice was to make the practice exams incredibly tough, so tough that not many students would pass them, and then they'd get to the actual exams which would be a lot easier than they were expecting. The fact that they were usually nerve wracked and freaking out by the time the exams came around was simply a bonus. And every year at least one OWL student and one NEWT student had suffered a breakdown before the exams begun. This year Snape would like to see Granger falter- her perpetual know-all-ness was downright annoying. The fact that she was almost always right was equally as annoying.

There was a sudden crack and a house elf appeared in front of Snape's desk, making Snape jump in fright. "For heavens sake!" He snapped, "Do you have to just appear like that? Whatever happened to knocking or introducing yourself first like polite company would?"

"Dobby is most sorry Professor Snape, sir." The house elf replied, bowing so low his nose scraped along the ground.

"Yes, yes, get up. What do you want elf?" Snape demanded. He was not having a good day. Normally he was not so jumpy but he was on edge about the stupid acceptance and it seemed like people were deliberately trying to startle him.

"Professor Snape has a visitor." Dobby said, twisting his hat in his hands nervously. The fact that the house elves were always wary when speaking to him had not escaped Snape's notice and he thought that was just as it should be.

"And who exactly-" Snape began but with another crack the house elf had disappeared leaving him speaking to thin air. "You better hope the cooking improves around this place- and fast!"


	3. The Unexpected Visitor

Chapter three: An unexpected visitor.

The dungeon door opened slowly and first Dumbledore appeared, his eyes twinkling. "Talking to yourself Severus?" He asked.

"No." Snape replied simply; seeing no need to explain himself to the headmaster. He was still annoyed with him for once again overlooking him for the position of DADA teacher. Unfortunately he had to work with him in both his capacity as head of the school as well as an important member of the Order.

"Can we come in?" Dumbledore asked, ignoring the potions master's bad mood, as he did usually. It was only lucky that Snape was good at what he did otherwise Dumbledore wouldn't be able to justify keeping him around. And at the moment with Voldemort having surfaced again it was even more important than ever.

"If you must." Snape sighed unhappily. So much for the peace and quiet of a spare period- the headmaster was just as annoying as students- albeit in a different way!

However Snape's mood changed visibly when he saw who was with the headmaster for there, following Dumbledore into the room, was none other than the Minister for Magic, Cornellius Fudge. "Professor Snape, nice of you to see me at such short notice, my good fellow."

"No bother at all Minister, not for you. Have you come about my acceptance? I must say that's rather an honour- having the Minister bring it personally. I can't say how thrilled I am-"

"Professor I am not here about your acceptance- although I do believe an owl should be dispatched regarding it in the next day or too. No I'm here about something far more serious. May I sit down?" The Minister asked.

Snape's gaze went straight to the headmaster but if he knew what this unexpected visit was about he showed no signs of it; his face blank.

"Of course." Snape said, lazily flicking his wand in the direction of some chairs, which promptly flew across the room and landed in front of the desk.

Dumbledore and Fudge settled themselves into the chairs while Snape watched with barely disguised impatience. Finally, after a great deal of crossing and uncrossing of legs, arranging and rearranging of robes, the Minister spoke, "Professor I'm afraid you're not going to like this at all….."

Snape sighed inwardly. Why did that not surprise him? It seemed that most things happening lately were things he didn't like. If he were a superstitious person he'd think he had been cursed. If he were a religious wizard he'd think he'd done something to offend God. However as he were neither he didn't consider why things weren't great. "Minister may I congratulate you on the appointment of Delores Umbridge?" Snape asked sryrippily.

The Minister looked incredibly uncomfortable and he shot a glance at Dumbledore that Snape interpreted as being guilty about the couple of articles having run in "The Daily Prophet" recently portraying Albus Dumbledore as a senile old fool who believed an attention-seeking liar like Potter over the Ministry who, after all, should know the reality about these sorts of things. "You may." Fudge said shortly. "But that's not what I'm here about."

"No?" Snape asked.

Fudge played with a loose thread on his clothes. "This is rather a delicate matter Severus- oh, may I call you Severus?"

"Of course." Snape responded.

"As I was saying this is a delicate matter. At the moment there is a lot of… speculation as to the return of he-who-must-not-be-named." Fudge said.

Snape's eyes darted towards the headmaster. Dumbledore's expression didn't change.

"I have, of course, heard the talk." Snape said slowly. He'd never asked whether there were members of the Order working in the upper echelons of the Ministry. Yes there was Percy Weasley, Mad-Eye, a couple of the aurors, but did they have power in the Ministry on their side? He made a mental note to quiz the headmaster on it later.

"Everyone has." Fudge said curtly. He sighed. "I'm worried Severus. I don't believe we have anything to fear from you-know-who but the talk is creating frenzy. Not just here but all over the world."

Snape nodded sagely.

"In times of panic people look to their leaders for well…leadership…and of course I intend to give that to people. I fear we are facing an international crisis." The Minister intoned gravely.

"We are?" Snape asked, confused. He had absolutely no idea where Fudge might be going with this.

"It's like this: people believe that the terror of the Death Eaters realm might be returning. People everywhere. They'll think of horrible things happening: all magical people imprisoned or killed, wands taken, magical creatures experimented on, complete and utter anarchy."

"How could anybody be so cruel?" Snape asked, a rhetorical question of course since he himself could be considered cruel.

Dumbledore shifted in his chair. "Throughout history many have been- Muggles like Ghengis Khan and Adolf Hitler, wizards like Grindenwald and Tom Riddle." He commented.

"Yes, right. Well. So people are worried. In this time, more than ever, we need to be entertained, we need to feel like there is something else in the world, have something to take our worries away. Add to that the fact that harmony between Muggles and wizards is tenuous most of the time and, if we get some vigilante activity surrounding the talk of he-who-must-not-be-named, could be a million times worse. As I said it could be an international crisis." Fudge continued.

Snape hated to be puzzled and worried that the Minister- and possibly also Professor Dumbledore- might think him a real dimwit. But he had to ask. "Where do I come in?"

Fudge beamed at him. "Delighted you asked that old man! You come into it by making the people happy."

Snape thought it highly unlikely that he could, in any manner, make people happy. For Merlin's sake he wasn't even happy himself so how could he be responsible for that feeling in other people?

"There are some people I know, Muggles in fact, who have approached me about a couple of things. Firstly there is to be a mini-series of "William The Wizard." Some famous Muggle is writing the script as we speak and I was lead to believe it's probably looking at William's early years- so pre-movie. I want you to reprise your role in that mini-series. Entertain the Muggles and, more importantly, entertain the wizards and witches, give them something to think about other than impending doom and raise the morale of our world." Fudge began.

Snape shook his head. "No. Absolutely not." He said firmly.

"Secondly I believe at the end of the year there's going to be something the Muggles call a reality television show. I have no idea what that means considering one could not associate "Muggle" and "reality" in the one sentence. I also have no idea what this "reality show" is to be about but I do know they want you to be in it." Fudge finished.

"Again: no." Snape said.

Fudge looked uncomfortable. "This is rather unpleasant. The thing is, Severus, this isn't negotiable. You _will_ be in the mini-series and you _will_ be in the reality television show."

Snape swallowed and licked his dry lips. "Why?"

"Why?" Fudge looked shocked. "I've told you why! Because you need to do it, because we need the entertainment at this point in our lives, because it will keep the Muggles happy, because I said so."

Snape frowned. "Isn't there someone else who might do it? Someone who actually likes Muggles and doesn't want to put a stunning spell on them every time they get a meter closer to you than you are comfortable with?" He asked.

"You, as William, captured the hearts and minds of practically the entire world. You are our best hope in this thing Severus. Our only hope even." The Minister said.

"Is there nothing I can do to get out of this?" Snape asked hopefully.

"Nothing." Fudge confirmed.

Snape exhaled loudly and swore under his breath. "What exactly do I have to do?"

"You are to go to London tomorrow and present yourself to the writer and director of the mini-series. You'll be glad to know that Adam Minton, who worked on the silver screen version for Hammond Productions, has been taken on in some kind of capacity I believe. At least you'll know someone there."

Adam? Damn it, Snape thought, that was just the icing on the cake wasn't it? A worse thought raced unbidden into his mind. "And…Emma, who played William's wife in the movie…will she be in this mini-series?"

"That I don't know." Fudge said. "When filming of this… what do the Muggle movie people call it… wraps, you'll go to some production company and film the reality show."

"And in between all this how do I make time for my duties here at Hogwarts?" Snape demanded.

"The movie crew have been informed you have a tight schedule with your day job and will shoot around your times. If occasionally you cannot make class then Professor Dumbledore here has kindly agreed to step in for you." Fudge assured Snape.

"Sounds like everything is perfect." Dumbledore commented.

'Yeah, perfect, that's the word!' Snape thought sarcastically.

"So the address, names, and other pertinent details will be delivered to you by owl later this evening. There will be no excuses for non-attendance Severus. If you don't go then you can kiss this job you have, this cushy job, goodbye." Fudge said.

That wasn't the worst punishment Snape could think of. In fact, as far as punishments went, it was remarkably mild. No more students, no more marking pathetic essays and exam results, no more having to interact with a populace that almost universally despised him. Azkaban almost compared favourably with Hogwarts. (At least during term-time.)

Fudge stood up and Dumbledore went to follow suit but the Minister waved for him to remain sitting. "No need to get up. I am off back to London. Severus- do _not _let me down. Trust me. You're doing this thing, one way or another." He said firmly.

Snape didn't respond verbally but he did nod his head meekly.

When the Minister for Magic had left the Potions rooms Snape turned on the headmaster. "What the hell was that all about?" He demanded angrily and loudly. "Why didn't you do something? Stop it from having happened?"

Dumbledore looked at him for a couple of moments. "There was nothing I could do. When the Minister informed me of it a few days ago I consulted a few people, a few members of the Order, and found that this was something we couldn't stop. In fact we even thought it made sense-"

"Made sense?!?!" Snape snapped. "The one thing it does is _not _make sense!"

"Please calm down Severus. There is no point in you being cross with me." Dumbledore said.

"There may not be any point in it but that doesn't mean I can stop it." Snape remarked.

"Severus I'm sorry. But there is nothing I can do about this I'm afraid." Dumbledore said. He did sound, and look, as though he was sorry.

Snape remembered his earlier internal question. "Headmaster do we have any powerful allies in the Ministry? Men, or women, who are heads of departments and privy to information that some of the lesser workers- like Arthur Weasley- are not?"

Dumbledore nodded. "We have sources everywhere Severus. That's not important now though-"

"Not important? Imbeciles like Fudge think that Lord Voldemort is nothing more than a memory and the figment of a boy's over-active imagination! When Voldemort makes his move they're all going to be caught unprepared and unawares. I'd consider that to be pretty important even if you would not." Snape argued.

"I am certainly not diminishing the prospect of another war with Voldemort and his followers. However right now the important thing is what you have got to go and do in London." Dumbledore replied.

Snape slumped into his seat unhappily. He didn't even know how long this new "William The Wizard" debacle was going to go for but what he did know was that it was definitely far too long.

**

The next day, straight after a breakfast which was not very palatable- possibly because of Snape's horror at venturing back into not only the Muggle world but the extra-strange Muggle world of movies- Snape left Hogwarts for Diagon Alley. Walking slower than a pregnant Slimasauras he did some banking at Gringott's, bought some supplies to top up his personal supply of potions ingredients, and finally entered "The Leaky Cauldron."

"Severus, just the man I was hoping to see." Tom, the innkeeper, said when Severus walked into the bar. "I need a favour and you're the only man who can help me."

As a general rule Snape didn't like the simple innkeeper and tried to avoid him at all costs. Unfortunately with the inn as the main wizarding port of call in London, and the last frontier before one joined Muggle London, it was kind of hard. For a moment Snape was poised to tell Tom he was too busy and too important to help him and that if he needed help badly he should go and see the wiz-psychologists working at Saint Mungos when something popped into his head: he'd heard somewhere that the International Wizarding Academic Association of Potions often spoke to people close to the applicant in order to get a better insight into their characters. And they were usually people that the applicant wouldn't expect. Add to this the fact that Snape was a vain man and if Tom had some kind of potions question- or even a dark arts related one- he needed help with then who was Snape to deny him that? He walked closer to the bar and propped his elbows up on it. "Yes Tom, how may I be of assistance?"

Tom looked shocked and he simply stared at Snape.

"Tom close your mouth. You look like a Nincompoop Lizard. Now what do you want?" Snape prompted, inwardly fighting the urge to get his wand out and transport Tom to some place else, some place not there. Preferably somewhere the other side of the world- like Australia.

Tom shook his head like he was clearing away his thoughts and then asked, "I wondered whether you could sign this for me."

Snape moved closer and looked at what the innkeeper had been reading and instantly frowned. His sense of anger was only abated by his slight amusement. "Cosmowitch? And you got it so early too- you must be a subscriber right?" He asked wryly.

"It's not mine!" Tom protested quickly, but his face had turned a crimson shade. "It's my girlfriend's."

Snape laughed. "Here's the thing Tom. If you're going to make up some kind of lie about why you've got that magazine at least make up a semi-believable lie. Your _girlfriend_! Ha!" He left the inn still chuckling to himself.

One thing about London, Snape thought as he walked along the sidewalk, was that it was most definitely the home of the largest majority of freaky Muggles in the world. Other than America that was, which just spoke for itself.

As Snape waited for the cars to stop and let him through- he hadn't realised that pressing the button on the traffic lights might help this goal be more achievable- he saw what appeared to be a woman coming towards him with bright pink hair in two pigtails, a flannelette shirt with red vest, a very short black skirt, green and white striped leggings and blue thongs. She was also wearing a lot of metal jewelry- including around her neck, around and up her arms, in her ears, her nose, her eyebrow, her chin and her lip. She must have seen the look of disgust on Snape's face because she blew him a kiss as she reached him. "What you lookin' at luv?" She demanded. "Want a quickie hey?"

"A quickie?" Snape repeated in confusion.

"Yeah, you know, a root?" Seeing Snape's blank face she continued, "A screw? A shag?"

Snape imagined a Mandrake root, a metal screw, and a shag-pile carpet. None of which shone any light on the woman's words.

"What are you man? A priest?" The woman asked with a shake of her head. "Luv you gotta' go get you an education."

Snape put his nose in the air. "Thank you very much but I'm actually a Professor. I haven't just got a high school diploma like you might have but I've got a University degree or two to my name." He said grandly.

"A professor? That explains it." The woman said with a laugh. She walked away but then stopped and called over her shoulder, "I'm taking abut sex mate!"

Snape watched her go. Then he saw a gap in the cars and hurried across the street, sure that his neck and face were burning with embarrassment. He allowed himself a second to think about Lalita and how it had been a little while since he'd last spoken to her and how he really should contact her again soon, before concentrating on the upcoming meeting instead. He was still fuming that Fudge had ordered him to do this thing and that Dumbledore hadn't objected. True Fudge and Dumbledore's previously amicable working relationship had disintegrated somewhat when the Headmaster had publicly come out in support of Potter's claims against what the Ministry wanted people to believe. But even so surely just by virtue of being Albus Dumbledore his opinion could carry a _little _bit of weight with the Minister?

It was just over a half hour walk from "The Leaky Cauldron" to the building housing what Snape considered a Muggle version of the torture chamber- television shows, actors, directors, and hanger-on's trying to feel important by inflating their job title and duties.

The building was quite large and Snape paused out the front to take a deep breath and to check the bit of parchment that Fudge had sent by owl the evening before. Once inside he approached the front desk and the incredibly good looking woman sitting behind it flicking through a magazine. "Excuse me. I need to see Zorba Apple Honeyblossom Gazelle Lee-Manners…God, what a terrible name."

The woman behind the counter looked at him coldly. "My name is Paris. Do you have an appointment with Mr. Lee-Manners?" She demanded, flicking her long jet-black hair over her shoulder.

"I believe so." Snape responded.

"You believe so? Look if you're here to try and peddle a script or idea for a show to Mr. Lee-Manner's then you have to go through his Script Assessing Assistant or his Concept Registering Assistant." Paris said tiredly.

Obviously a lot of people who wanted to see Mr. Lee-Manners didn't get to see him, Snape thought. What irony that the one person who probably wanted to see him the least in the entire universe had too. "I'm here for a meeting." Snape said.

"Okay, I'll buzz his PA Jasmine and she will come down and escort you up. Take a seat over there while you wait." Paris said.

Snape nodded and went to the chair but stopped and turned back around. "Um…my name is Severus Snape." He said.

"Oh. My. God." Paris said loudly.

Snape looked taken aback. "I beg your pardon?"

"Is this one of those 'do you know who I am because I'm famous and therefore need special treatment' things?" Paris demanded.

"Erm…no. It's a my name is Severus to let the woman know." Snape replied, going over to sit down. The couch was incredibly uncomfortable and he felt the metal below the too-thin cushion in his tail bone.

On the low coffee-table in front of him was a wide selection of Muggle magazines. Snape's eye caught a picture of none other than Emma, the Muggle actress who had played his wife in "William The Wizard" and made a face. What was she up to now? Almost against his will he reached down and picked up the magazine and flicked through to the appropriate page, and then he almost laughed out loud. It turned out that Arnie had taken out a restraining order against her constantly harassing him and his family. Snape was pleased his spell had worked so well.

"Mr. Snape?"

Snape looked up at the voice. He stood up, tossed the magazine back onto the table, and walked over to where a middle-aged woman was waiting for him by the elevator looking bored.

She gestured for him to go ahead of her into the lift and then the doors closed behind them.

"I'm Jasmine. Mr. Lee-Manners is waiting for you in his conference room. He owns this building but his company only have the top four floors and the bottom two are occupied by others in the industry. We even have the office suites of an Oscar wining music man." She told Snape as the elevator ascended.

Snape nodded. What was an Oscar?

"It's very nice to meet you Mr. Snape. I absolutely loved "William The Wizard." Of course I'm no expert but I am sure that if wizards and witches existed they'd be precisely how you depicted them in the movie. I'm also a huge fan of Mr. Hammond. Mr. Lee-Manners tends to work more in mini-series' and television shows so I haven't had the pleasure to work with Mr. Hammond but I think he's just pure genius. You're so lucky to have had that privilege. A million people would kill for that opportunity." Jasmine blabbed.

"Hmm." Snape replied non-commitedly.

"Mr. Lee-Manners is very excited about this project let me tell you. He's been around so long that of course working with famous people isn't such a huge deal but I can confess that he's a little like a kid in a candy store here." Jasmine continued.

Snape wondered whether this Lee-Manners was the one who was going to produce that whole "reality show" Fudge had alluded to.

"Ah. Here we are!" Jasmine said brightly as the elevator pinged and the doors opened on the top floor of the building. As they stepped out she said, "Can I call you Severus?"

"You can call me Professor Snape." Snape replied.

The woman looked a little baffled at that but shrugged. "Fair enough. Professor Snape." She said sarcastically.

"You're Mr. Lee-Manners's secretary, right?" Snape asked.

Jasmine looked affronted. "A secretary?" She managed. "I'm much, much more than a secretary! I'm Mr. Lee-Manners's personal assistant. I do everything for him- schedule meetings, arrange trips, make sure that everything is in place for when he goes on set for various movies or television shows he produces, screen potential writers, directors, creators, actors and actresses, even do some of his own personal chores. No. I'm definitely more than a secretary thank you."

"I didn't know there was a difference…" Snape muttered under his breath.

Jasmine's face turned red but she wisely chose to ignore him. She led him through a series of hallways until they got to a large room, dominated by a huge table with chairs and a large screen. A man was sitting at one end of the table, with a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses in front of him, as well as a few notepads, folders, and other written material. Seeing Jasmine he jumped to his feet and Snape realised he was incredibly short. He was also a little strange looking with red hair sticking up in a series of spikes apart from four long, twisted, tail-like pieces hanging halfway down his back, bright pink and purple glasses were perched on his nose, and he wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a fluorescent yellow tee.

"MR. SNAPE!" He cried. "I'm, like, totally excited to meet you!"

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Okay." He said.

The man raced over to grab his hand and pump it up and down exuberantly. "Soooo nice to meet you. Welcome to "Cutting Edge Productions" Mr. Snape. Severus. Please take a seat. Jasmine- a drink for our guest and make mine a Scotch on the rocks. Severus- Sevvie- what would you like? Scotch? Whiskey? Beer?"

Snape doubted that the man could serve up butterbeer so he asked for a glass of Coke and sat down. Jasmine quickly got the two drinks and then excused herself.

"I knew you were charismatic but woah, you're like, beyond aren't you?" Lee-Manners said.

"Beyond what?" Snape asked.

Lee-Manners roared laughing. "Corny said you were a gas." He said.

"Corny?" Snape asked.

"Cornelius Fudge. My mate. We met at a local boy-bar. When he told me he knew you I was like excellent and when I told him about my project he said you'd be totally up for it." Lee-Manners told Snape.

Snape took a sip of his drink to avoid commenting. Talk about being on the back foot- he was so far behind he was in a different postcode.

"Normally here is where I'd give you a power point presentation to tell you all about my company but since you're in the industry I'm sure you've heard about me. But then don't believe everything you read: I'm not really a drama queen and bitch. I just want things to be run, like, totally my way. You know? Creative control because at the end of the day it's my name on things, they're representing me." Lee-Manners said.

"Okay." Snape said. Again.

"So you know Cutting Edge right?" Lee-Manners questioned.

"Erm…not so much." Snape admitted. "Actually not at all."

Lee-Manners was clearly shocked. "Wow. That's. Wow. Totally wow."

"Totally." Snape agreed.

"Okay. Well I set up Cutting Edge because I felt the industry really lacked my unique approach to television-"

"Do you do those, what do you call them, reality shows?" Snape interrupted.

"Hell no!" Lee-Manners said. "No. A bunch of wannabee-celebs, always pretty people- not that that's a crime, I had my mani, pedi, massage, and hair done this morning- saying a lot of shit."

"Okay." Snape felt like a one-word wonder. And what the hell were mani and pedis?

"So Cutting Edge was born out of my dissatisfaction with real, you know, quality programming. I think people find reality television so last year now, which is good for my business. Cutting Edge is about good shit, really. Totally good shit. Speaking of reality television I think that embodies all that is wrong with this country's television channels. I started off producing only thrillers and action movies, but then I diversified and now I do dramas, romance, documentaries, pretty much the whole kit and caboodle." Lee-Manners explained.

Not surprisingly Snape had absolutely no idea what the man was talking about. That being said he thought it rather unlikely that anybody would have understood. Snape chose to nod sagely like he had some clue what had been said.

"Anyway so the reason you're here is because I managed to convince Hampton Productions to let me produce a WTW mini-series. I am completely and utterly stoked about that. It's rare someone of Mr. Hammond's caliber would agree to my request. I still don't really know why he said yes. Unless it had something to do with Al Moody, his son, who I am very, very close to…" Lee-Maners mused.

Snape coughed. "Excuse me- do you mean Alistair Moody? The aur- erm….the area manager for…erm Hippogriff Ingredients?" He asked, mentally kicking himself for he'd been about to say "the Auror with one leg and a tendency for thinking everyone is dodgy primarily because he knows all the tricks after a mischievous childhood?"

"I thought he was in politics." Lee-Manners said.

"Oh. Well he is. As well as his job selling medicinal herbs." Snape improvised.

"Nice. I myself am a huge fan of alternative therapies and medicines. I totally believe that while modern medicine has done some amazing things- although I wonder whether they'll ever find a cure for the common cold or flu while they manage to prevent things like cancer and AIDS- and is useful in certain circumstances. But I think we rely too heavily on it. You know, we're all "I've got a headache, better take an aspirin", or "I feel sick, better grab some Maxalon" or "I'm so freaking sore, better pop a Tramal." I'm producing a documentary called "I want it all NOW!" about the way we want instant gratification for everything- pleasures, pain, results from some kind of task, the perfect body, total fitness, success, love and families, etc, etc." The first episode is called "Doctors V Naturopaths", the second is "Movie V Television", the third one is "Fit V Fat" and the fourth one is "Instant drinks V Alcohol V Professionally made drinks. What do you reckon Sevvie?"

'I reckon if you call me Sevvie just one more time I'm going to, like, totally curse you, you know?' Snape thought. Out loud he was more diplomatic. "Interesting."

"So true. But you didn't come here to talk about my little pet projects did you? You're here to talk about our William series. Okay. So far we've got four scripts completely finished but there are a few more being written as we speak. Also I've been working with a composer about the music, both for the theme-song as well as the musical score for the various episodes. Man I have seriously got about a gazillion ideas and thoughts that I'd like your input on but I'm thinking a lot of that will have to wait until we make another meeting date-"

"I'm not exactly…I don't know anything about movies and television and what music would be good for a show so you really shouldn't be asking my opinion." Snape interrupted.

"Nonsense. Every actor has creativity and creativity is what, like, makes the world go round you know." Lee-Manners dismissed Snape's concerns. "For example I've got some thoughts on the costumes because even though the movie's clothing was really good I am thinking of making it a bit, you know, hipper?"

"Hipper?" Snape repeated slowly.

"Yeah, trendier like. Something that appeals more to the younger audience as my company's target audience." Lee-Manners explained. "Also I wanted to see whether you had any suggestions for various parts in the movie- although let me tell you we've got some _insane _cameos coming- or people you worked with on the movie in everything from catering to makeup to grips?"

"Erm…I don't know." Snape said.

"Let me tell you just a few of the cameos we're getting- Alan Rickman is set to play William's old teacher and mentor turned evil who tries to kill William, Victoria Beckham is playing a has-been singer who is trying to break into the acting and fashion worlds and will step on anyone's toes to get there and Brad Pitt is playing a lothario who is searching for wife number five. Oh, and your movie co-star Emma is making a guest appearance in the first episode where she is, unfortunately, killed. Isn't that totally unreal?" Lee-Manners demanded.

"Totally." Snape replied, stifling a yawn. More like it was a shame she didn't die in real life.

"And Adam Minton is going to be involved too in a position I created specifically for him called "Original Movie Producer" to make sure that the series is as close to the original movie as possible with the parameters of what we're trying to do and what is commercially viable." Lee-Manners added.

Snape wanted to retch; there was no possible way he could deal with Emma and Adam. Not even Saint Merryweather, the patron saint of Wizards everywhere, could have done so without at least a couple of homicides.

"So while I'd love to, you know, pick your brains and get your input on things like set design and costume I just don't have the time. I've got the bigwigs on my arse about getting this thing out and onto televisions across the country as soon as possible. I think they're banking on it getting picked up by stations in other parts of the world too so you'll be even more famous. Show me a household without a telly in it and I'll show you a freak. Think about it Sev- most homes have more than one television set don't they? How many do you have?" Lee-Manners asked.

Snape opened his mouth to say 'none' but what came out instead was "ten."

"WOAH!" Lee-Manners cried. "Ten? That's insane. You must be living in a bloody mansion hey Sev? Although no doubt you made more than Bill Gates from the movie… Do you have plasma screen or LCD screens?"

"Erm…both?" Snape guessed.

"Of course, of course. And you have some of the older ones too? You're a purist?" Lee-Manners asked.

"Totally." Snape replied.

"Great! Anyway back on topic: the time I've got with you doesn't give me the chance to do all the things I'd love to do so I guess I will have to make do. Let me tell you about you, about William, in this show. It starts six months after the movie was set but we're gonna' have, like, heaps of flashbacks to tell Williams story. I thought the movie was beyond wicked of course but in a series you get to tell a lot more than you do in a couple of hours of a feature film. I've got this young kid lined up to play the younger you and let me tell you- you're going to be bowled over by him. He's a good little actor- family all in the business- but I think he even looks a little like you would have looked as a kid Sev. His name's Radcliffe. Daniel Radcliffe. As I mentioned before William's wife dies in the first episode. So one of his biggest challenges throughout the series is mourning his wife but also raising their son alone. We have been arguing amongst ourselves as to whether we are going to introduce a love interest or not. The dreamy romantics who think they're making a chick-flick instead of a drama say not because the love William and Wendy shared is a once in a lifetime thing, true soulmates, you know, and they say no way would he get over her loss so quickly and move on. On the other hand the realists say people mourn in different ways and, if Wendy gave him her blessing, he could move on. What do you reckon? You're the William expert after all?"

"I'm hardly the William expert." Snape disagreed.

"Oh you're being modest there Sev. You totally _owned_ the character in the movie!" Lee-Manners was not to be dissuaded.

"Okay…erm…I think William was a one-woman man. As a child he didn't have a lot of friends and then, when he went away to school, he didn't have many friends either. Wendy was his first real friend. And while the other children made fun of him, played horrible, sneaky pranks on him, she understood him and saw that underneath his general attitude and demeanor and looks he was a nice person. So of course William fell in love with her; how could he not? Unfortunately though she picked the popular kid over the intelligent, hardworking, quiet one…" Snape trailed off when he saw Lee-Manners looking at him quizzically and he realised he was talking more about himself and Lily Potter, nee Evans, than the fictional "William" and "Wendy."

"But Wendy ended up with William." Lee-Manners pointed out. "So I guess it all worked out in the end."

"I guess so." Snape said icily. He wondered whether he'd ever really get over the rejection by Lilly or the fact that James Potter and his mates had made his school-life complete and utter hell and decided that he probably wouldn't ever really get over something like that. And the guilt he felt over being the one who, perhaps inadvertently, led to the death of the woman he loved- that was something nobody would ever get over.

"As I've said, and I cannot stress this enough, I really, really loved the movie. I did. But I want to make the series funkier. I want William to be a little less-staid than he is in the movie. A fine balance considering he loses his wife, but I think it can be done. I'm not going to have him, like, going nightclubbing but he's not going to be sitting home and crying into his lager either. You know?" Lee-Manners said.

"Uh-huh." Snape replied.

Lee-Manners glanced at his flashy gold watch and looked shocked. "Fuck me. I'm going to have to end this soon, we're eating up the time and I've only got, like, seriously a billion things to do today."

Snape adopted what he hoped was a look of disappointment and sadness when he was really jumping up and down in joy. It wasn't just Muggles but whenever he had to come to Muggle London he felt like he was so far out of his depth he was drowning and he was always anxious to get back to a world he not only felt comfortable in but one where he was important.


	4. What Not To Wear

_A/N In "Severus Snape in Sexy Singles" I had a chapter with some of the same ideas from this chapter. However as "Severus Snape in Sexy Singles" and "Severus Snape Simulates" are being merged into "Starring Severus Snape 2: Severus Snape Simulates" and "Starring Severus Snape 3: Reality Bites Severus Snape" and, later, "Starring Severus Snape 4: Snape Through the Ages" I had to repeat myself a little. So if you recognize some of this chapter that is the reason why._

Chapter four: What Not To Wear.

Back outside Snape took a deep breath of the fresh air. As he'd been leaving Lee-Manners mentioned that Adam was meant to be there soon and Snape had crossed his fingers that he wouldn't run into him. Lucky whoever governed the laws of crossed fingers had heard Snape's unspoken plea and granted it.

Before heading back to the Inn and Diagon Alley Snape spotted a stall on the side of the road selling Muggle papers and magazines, food and drink and cigarettes. He was going to keep walking but instead he stopped when he saw a largish photo of him on the front of one thick, glossy magazine, and a small one on the cover of something that was a cross between a newspaper and weekly magazine. He already planned on picking up copies of "Cosmowitch", "Witchspeak" and "Fairy" on his way back through Hogsmeade as they were about the last reviews or articles on him since the movie was now somewhere between leaving the cinema screens and being released on DVD.

Snape picked up a magazine called "The Monthly Mirror" which had a small photo of him on the left hand side. He opened it and found the contents page where page 35 contained an article called "Secretive Severus Snape." He snorted in disgust and then flicked through the magazine until he found what he was looking for.

_Severus Snape- the 40-something breakout star of "William The Wizard"- is an intensely secretive man who guides his privacy rigorously. During publicity for the movie released last summer Snape wouldn't talk about acting, the movie, the cast and crew, his favourite colour and food, let alone where he resides as a Science teacher at a high school. An insider involved with the movie confirms that Snape only did the number of interviews and appearances stipulated in his contract with "Hammond Productions" and not a single one more. While most actors love to talk themselves and their movies up to anyone who will listen, as well as meeting and greeting with fans, Snape is the exact opposite. Some might think this refreshing in a celebrity world where Tom Cruise jumps up and down on a couch to declare his love for Katie Holmes, where Paris Hilton is famous only for a dodgy sex-tape and the fact she is a heiress to the Hilton fortune, and where the continual one-up-manship of the Jennifer Anniston V Angelina Jolie showdown commands headlines in print media the world over. Others might think by virtue of being a celeb Snape has a responsibility to his films to promote them and to his fans to be somewhat accessible. The insider's view was thus: "Snape seems to not only discourage fans but also to actively dislike them." Professor Edward Brayton, social commentator and head of Oxford University's School of Media says "Considering Mr. Snape's income relies on [the fans] seeing, liking and ultimately buying his film I don't think that alienating them is a good move." Professor Brayton also adds that movie-goers are a much savvier group than they were twenty years ago and, particularly with the rise of the internet, they can make or break a film or an actor's career. "We have bloggers all over [the net] spilling celebrity secrets and gossip but even so using a couple of the most popular search engines for these kinds of sites I didn't find any absolutely confirmed information about Mr. Snape. At the same time I also found there were many sites featuring all sorts of rumours and gossip about the man."_

_As mentioned earlier it isn't just his craft that Severus Snape is so tight-lipped about, but it extends to the more personal aspects of his life: intriguingly a "Google" search, the telephone directory, and cold-calling schools all over the country did not reveal where Snape lives and works in what the crew member above called "his true calling." Associate Professor Kenneth Gould, consultant to various medical bodies, and author of "What one simple sentence can really tell us" (Times bestseller for eleven weeks running and still going) suggested to me that it was "entirely probable...that Severus Snape is displaying symptoms of paranoia." His desire to keep his birthplace and family members a secret is not a bad thing, according to Associate Professor Gould as it simply is the kind of protective thing many men, especially famous men, do on a regular basis. However his dislike of people, fans, and the world that made him a household name across the entire globe, is a little concerning to Associate Professor Gould. "It's not because I believe he has something to hide but more so because he so strongly feels the need to do this."_

_But it isn't just Snape's personal information that one needs a very high security clearance in MI5 or MI6 to access. It's also giving fans and journalists the information that can hardly be considered top secret; like is he into rock music, pop music, oldies music or techno music? (For the record one of the Hammond team who traveled with Snape and Emma on their American promotional trip says that Snape listened to a mixture of techno music and pop music.) It's entirely possible that if Snape were to part with some of this information then journalists like myself wouldn't get so much mileage out of writing about him. Doctor Duncan Murphy, head of the School of Social Studies at Liverpool University, thinks that Severus Snape would certainly make for an interesting in-depth study. "What I find interesting is that [he] is the exact opposite of many stars around. Stars like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher update their lives on "Twitter" regularly and singer John Mayer uses his website to update his fans on what he is doing at the time. Still Snape resists that kind of interaction with people." Doctor Murphy is quick to point out that he is not suggesting that Snape's actions come from a place of psychological issues, but rather that there are probably strong personal reasons behind his reluctance to give too much of himself to the fans. The problem with this, according to the doctor, is that "here we have a man who could use this platform of fame to do something important for society." Pamela Anderson is a strong supporter of PETA, numerous stars put their names to charities like Lance Armstrong, and many are patrons of various UN committees. "They are all taking a message and getting it across to people and I have to wonder whether [Snape's] refusal to do this…is socially irresponsible?"_

_As for me until a sequel to "William The Wizard", or another movie starring Severus Snape, is released I am putting a "Snape Ban" on writing any more articles about the enigma that is Severus Snape!_

Snape rolled his eyes. Besides the fact that he thought the so-called experts quoted in the article were full of it, Snape thought the writer had no idea what he, or she, was talking about either. He opened the second magazine and flipped through to the article, entitled "Is he for real? Severus Snape's secrets spilled." What was with these Muggles and his so-called furtive nature? When had not talking about yourself gone from a good thing to a bad thing subject to all kinds of conjecture? Thinking it highly probable he wouldn't like this article any more than the previous one, Snape began to read.

_**C**indy (not her real name as she wants to remain anonymous) is probably one of the very few people who know Severus Snape well. A tall, quite petite, woman with thick, long black hair with artfully created waves, light blue eyes and a trout-pout to rival Lisa Rina, Cindy sat down and crossed her long legs over before ordering a bourbon and coke. Here she spills some of the secrets that make Snape the mysterious enigma he is._

_Question number one: Seriously, why is Snape so secretive?_

_Answer: Sev has been hurt pretty badly in his life so he choses to keep things quiet and to himself to stop himself from that sort of pain again._

_Q: By "hurt badly" are you referring to women and intimate relationships?_

_A: Yes._

_Q: So Snape has had some longtime serious and committed relationships?_

_A: Yes, he has. Hasn't everyone by that age?_

_Q: How many?_

_A: Four that I know of. A girl from high school, a woman at the same university, a woman named Rita who he was actually engaged to, and a fourth which ended about two years ago. That last one really shook him up a bit._

_Q: No current girlfriend?_

_A: No. Although I believe there are a couple of prospects. Plus there are many women not just here in England but all over the world who, after seeing "William The Wizard" would be completely open to a relationship with Severus._

_Q: That's another thing- Severus Snape is not exactly a conventional name, is it? Where did it come from?_

_A: I imagine his parents. [Laughs] No, actually Severus came from his paternal Great-Great Grandmother. The Snape family line is one that can trace its lineage back to the dawn of time._

_Q: Snape teaches science at a high school right? How did he go from teacher to actor?_

_A: He fell into it. Literally._

_Q: Yet he's made a big deal about saying he'll never act again. Is he serious about that?_

_A: God yes. Teaching is something he's good at, science is something he's good at. And even though he was good as "William" he was never one hundred percent comfortable in that arena._

_Q: Tell me something about Snape that nobody else knows._

_A: Oh God! You're really putting the pressure on here… [Laughs] Erm…okay, well Sev loves to fish- especially fly fishing-, he's fluent in French and Indonesian and he plans to spend a couple of weeks of his summer holidays every year from now on in a different country. This year will be New Zealand where he wants to bungee jump, go into those, what do you call it, zorbing things, go white-water rafting, basically experience all those high octane adventures that the country is famous for._

_Q: Wow. That's ambitious. And maybe a little bit crazy._

_A: Sev enjoys the whole dangerous adventure thing. For his 40th birthday I paid for him to go sky diving and ever since then he's been hooked on doing stuff that would frighten most other people. Me included._

_Q: Word association. I say something and you say the first thing that comes to mind with regards to Snape. Firstly: food?_

_A: Loves it. Oh, that's two words. My bad. [Laughs]_

_Q: Spare time?_

_A: Plenty of it._

_Q: Reading?_

_A: Science._

_Q: Television?_

_A: What's that? [Laughs] Sev is not really into television or movies for that matter._

_Q: Prime Minister?_

_A: Erm…old?_

_Q: Music?_

_A: As long as it's not too loud._

_Q: Students?_

_A: A paycheck._

_Q: Last one- drinking?_

_A: Gin and tonic, vodka and lime, Baileys, white wine._

_Q: Now when I ask for Snape's favourite thing- or things plural- you give me the answer. Favourite pastime?_

_A: Spending time with good friends, reading, playing poker and writing poetry._

_Q: Favourite thing to do at a pub or other entertainment venue?_

_A: Line dancing. Although he also likes to go crazy in the moshpit and rock out to some of the oldies like ACDC or Kiss. He's actually a rather good dancer believe it or not._

_Q: Favourite animal?_

_A: Giraffes. He collects giraffe figurines and paintings. He has a silver giraffe on his key ring._

_Q: Favourite car?_

_A: Mini moke. He has this kind of lime-green one. Oh and he's going to totally kill me for this but he drives waaay too fast! [Snorts]_

_Q: Favourite colour?_

_A: Jade green._

_Q: Favourite saying or catchphrase?_

_A: Bloody hell, that's a hard one…erm I'm going to say "I'm the King of the World!" You know the line from "Titanic" where Leo was at the very front of the ship with his arms outstretched. Oh, he also likes to say "Run Forest, run!" whenever someone runs by or near him._

"Excuse me!"

Snape looked up. The man on the stall was glaring at him. "What?" Snape demanded impatiently.

"I'm not running a bloody library here mate!" The man said.

"I know that…no self-respecting library would stock these kinds of crap." Snape replied.

"What the _hell_? You're the one reading the magazines, not me. You're the one who is reading magazines only women read. You're the one-"

"Oh for Merlin's sake." Snape interrupted. "Please, do me a favour and just don't talk."

"And you do _me_ a favour arsehole and either pay for those magazines or get on your bike." The man demanded.

"I'm walking, not riding." Snape said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah. Whatever buddy." The man said. He reached over and grabbed the magazines out of Snape's hand and, a little too vigorously, shoved them back onto the stand.

"And I am most certainly not your friend!" Snape added. His hand went towards his back pocket where his wand was, uncomfortably, situated. He wanted to curse the man. But obviously he couldn't. He marveled at how patient he was getting these days with Muggles. It was like they'd thrown their worst at him during "William The Wizard" and he'd coped well so now he could cope with anything they wanted to dish out to him.

"Awww damn shame." The man said sarcastically.

Snape shook his head and began to walk back towards the Inn. While passing through Diagon Alley he had a few things he needed to get. He thought that perhaps getting the magazines he wanted would be better to do in London than Hogsmeade as there wouldn't be any Hogwarts students there and he might not be as well known. He was about a block and a half away from the Inn when he was stopped.

"Hello!" A woman's voice spoke loudly near Snape's ear.

He jumped and glared at the owner of the voice. "Who do you think you are? Are you trying to frighten me to death or just to deprive me of my hearing?" He snapped.

"Neither, actually. I'm Trinie."

"Congratulations." Snape replied.

"And this," she indicated a second woman "is Susannah. No doubt you know us from television, with our own show. This guy here is our camera man and this other man our voice man. And, of course, you know this lovely woman here."

Snape glanced from the first woman, to the other one, the two men, and the third woman. He had no idea who _any _of them were or why they were standing there. "Erm…no. I don't know her. I don't know you either."

Trinie's jaw dropped slightly. "You don't know "What Not To Wear"? Have you been living under a rock?"

"Apparently." Snape replied slowly.

"Well, our show is very popular, and it airs in quite a few countries all over the world. We've had a few specials as well and we've been on tours to countries as far away as Australia to makeover the fashion faux paus." Trinie boasted.

Snape nodded, speechless for the time being.

"And this gorgeous woman here is our special guest for this episode. We're filming a few specials of "WNTW" called "WNTW: Celebrity Help." And this woman is none other than Danni Minogue. She's quite a big deal in the album charts here and is also famous back in her home country for her singing career, her work on "Home and Away" when she was younger, her work on the "Got Talent" and "X Factor" franchises, as well as, for the fact that her younger sister is Kylie Minogue." Trinnie continued.

"Minogue?" Snape repeated. He looked at the other woman who was watching him with a small smile on her lips. She was, in Snape's humble opinion, a little strange looking- even for a Muggle. Her face reminded him a little of the mannequins used in "**Supercallerfragelistic**expialidociose Fashions", "Riva Young Witch clothing" and even in "Anaconda: Fashion for the discerning dark wizard or witch" in Diagon Alley.

"That's right. I believe you know my sister Kylie. Personally." Danni said.

"Okay. Yeah." Snape muttered, uncomfortably. Kylie, the nutter? Kylie who had not only harassed and embarrassed him in private but also in public? Could this day get any worse?

Trinie said something to the cameraman and he nodded and moved closer to Snape. "Severus Snape- we are going to show you how to dress for success and let you know what not to wear. Are you ready?" She said dramatically.

Snape was uncomfortably aware of the camera in his face to catch his probably comical reaction. "What are you on about? Or more likely what are you on? I've got to get back to school since I was- regrettably- tied up in other sordid business and I've got essays to mark and exam questions to make up." Snape said firmly. He sketched a brief wave and turned to walk off, but the second woman, who hadn't spoken yet, grabbed his arm.

"Wait. You can't go!" She said.

"Why not? As far as I'm aware this is still a free country." Snape said.

The Muggles all exchanged looks before Danni stepped forward. "Okay, so since you haven't seen the show I guess we should tell you how it works. These two women here are clothing gurus. They can take a man devoid of any style- kind of like you- and turn him into a snappy, handsome man who is guaranteed to get the ladies. What self-respecting person wouldn't want their help? Not just to guarantee they pull in the clubs but because everyone always wants to look better than they are." She explained.

"What if I don't want to be in the show?" Snape asked.

"Are you serious? _Nobody_ says no!" Susannah chimed in.

Snape raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

"Okay. Marty turn the camera off." Trinie said.

"But what-" The cameraman began to protest.

"Just do it, okay?" Trinie instructed curtly.

The man, looking quite unhappy about this direction, obeyed.

"Now it's just you, Severus, and us. I can level with you. Someone nominated you for this show. It's kind of how it works. And that someone told us that you'd be more than happy to do it." Trinie told him.

"And who was that someone?" Snape questioned.

Trinie hesitated. "I don't think it matters…"

"It matters. Who?" Snape demanded coldly. The voice he was using would put the fear of doom in many students at Hogwarts, but not these Muggle women.

Susannah sighed. "His name was Fudge. He said you might resist doing it because you're rather shy. But he said if you refused to tell you- and this makes no sense to me- that wars cannot be won without warriors and that doing this show is part of the obligation you have with him unless you want to work alongside the simpleton Tom in something or other inn." She said.

Snape groaned. It sounded just like Cornelius Fudge. But why the hell had the Minister not mentioned it to him the other day? "Right. Well what do I have to do in this nightmare?"

"When someone is nominated by a loved one, friend or colleague if they're in desperate need of a fashion makeover we will film them for awhile- to show off their worst clothing choices- then we accost them- that's what we're doing here by the way, we've already got quite a lot of footage of you from both our own stakeout cameras as well as file footage- and show them the film which makes them realise how sad and pathetic they looked and how desperate they need our help. Then we take them and show them the sorts of clothings that we think flatter their shape and looks, the colours or makes of clothes that show up their assets the best, and then our work is done." Trinie explained.

"Oh. Great." Snape said, devoid of any excitement. If he had the choice between being locked in a room with the stupidest of muggles, or spending a few hours at the dentist, or doing this, the former two would win in a landslide. He decided then and there that as soon as humanely possible he was immigrating to the South Pole. He loved most of his life, he enjoyed his potions work, but nothing was worth this much pain. Nothing. Although he thought perhaps he would be better off waiting for the whole Voldermort slash dark flunkies versus pretty much everyone else tussle was resolved. Just in case he was fated to play an important role in things. Then he was moving to the South Pole. Surrounded by nothing other than ice, water and sky, he could finally relax and be happy.

Trinie gestured to the camera man and the other man and they got their equipment working. "Severus Snape: the time has come for you to see yourself through the eyes of others. Come with us while we show you." She said.

"And then let us transform you into everything you can be!" Susannah added.

Snape didn't speak, just meekly nodded and prayed that this thing wouldn't last too long.

**

Half an hour later Snape, Trinie, Susannah and Danni were sitting in a room of some sort, a kind of cross between a living room and dressing room. On one wall was a large plasma screen and on the screen was a montage of Snape. A couple of pictures of him making "William The Wizard", a few from the publicity trail, including his appearance on American television and the premiere, and a few photos that Snape was unsure of the origin except for the fact that he felt sure they were pretty recent. Then, most disturbingly of all, Trinie and Susannah had trailed him most of his day in London. And then there was the humiliation of their strike.

Susannah turned the television off with a remote control. "So. What do you have to say in your defence Severus?"

"Erm…my clothes are the most comfortable?" Snape offered.

Trinie laughed. "No. Tracksuit pants and hoodies are slouch around the house but don't set a pedicured toe over the front door comfortable. Not those...what do you call that cloaky thing you wear?"

"A robe." Snape said. Unconsciously he tugged at his robe and was glad that underneath it he wore his off-duty uniform of jeans and a t-shirt.

"A robe?" Danni repeated, laughing loudly. "God that's a classic."

"I don't condemn someone for wearing what makes them comfortable. In fact I think if you wear something that you don't feel at ease in then you tend to always be fiddling with it and, subconsciously, you just aren't happy. But out in public is an entirely different kettle of fish: clothing maketh the man." Trinie said.

"Okay." Snape said.

"Come over here for a minute Severus." Susannah said.

Snape was lead across the room to a door.

Trinie put her hand on the doorknob and then smiled "Severus Snape, welcome to your life. In clothing that is."

She flung it open dramatically and Snape felt his heart sink through the floor- inside was, well, everything he owned in the way of clothing. A couple of his everyday black robes, three pairs of (very embarrassing) dress robes, two pairs of flannelette pajamas and a thick blue dressing gown, a couple of pairs of jeans (one dark denim, one faded and holey, one black with skinny legs that he absolutely despised but only kept because someone he cared about had given them to him a few years ago), numerous t-shirts with logos and patterns of no real significance on them, a few jumpers, an anorak, a padded grey jacket for really cold weather, two pairs of tracksuit pants, and a pile of underwear and socks.

"You really stick to a particular type of clothing, don't you?" Danni remarked. "And would it kill you to wear some colour- it's all black, blue, grey, nothing of any interesting colour."

Snape heard the laughter in her voice and felt himself turn bright red. The Minister for Magic really had it coming to him this time around! If he'd been trying to embarrass Snape then he had more than succeeded in his mission.

"Tell me, Danni, are you only doing this show because your sister said no? How does it feel to always be second best, always be the less famous and liked sister?" Snape enquired casually.

Danni's face went as red as Snape's had been- although hers was because of anger, not embarrassment. "I'd really love to get into a sniping match with you but I am here to help out on this show and I intend to be a true professional even if the man I am working with was responsible for my sister entering therapy to deal with the terrible, cold way he treated her." She said primly.

"Whatever." Snape dismissed her.

"Severus, tell us a little bit more about the robe you wear frequently. We were surprised to find that it was actually very common for you to be seen in that robe and we're thinking it might have been a throwback from the costume you wore on "William The Wizard." Unless, of course, you think you're really a wizard!" Susannah said, with a loud laugh. The other women joined in, and the sound guy had a grin on his face too.

"If I really was a wizard don't you think I'd have pulled out my wand and cursed you by now?" Snape asked.

"Oh please, Severus, teach us an incantation from "William The Wizard." Something like it makes you invisible or reads minds or makes people do whatever you want them to do." Trinie begged.

"Erm…okay…well "un-illuminatti" would make you unseen, to read minds it's "pensive-ity" and to make people do your bidding it's "branniacis mineus."" Snape said.

"Brilliant!" Susannah said.

"We're getting a bit off track here. Severus you were going to tell us why you were these robe things so much?" Trinie asked.

"Like I said they're comfortable." Snape said.

"Like your lovely pajamas over there. Dead sexy. I bet the ladies get turned on just by seeing them." The cameraman muttered.

Snape glanced at him. "You're a man, right?" He asked.

"Hell yeah! The last time I checked I saw a big dick and balls." The man said. He held up his hand and the sound man slapped it in a high-five.

"Yet you appear to have breasts. Are you in the middle of changing your sex, or were you born with both male and female bits? Or maybe you've just got those tits that are bigger than anything I've seen on women?" Snape continued.

"What the…? Dude do _not_ even go there unless you want a black eye." The cameraman snapped, angrily.

"What are you going to do?" Snape taunted him. "Hit me in the eye with your titties?"

"Oh you are _so _going down!" The cameraman made a motion to get to Snape but the other man stopped him.

"He's not worth it mate." He told the angry man.

"Whatever." The cameraman said sullenly.

Susannah coughed uncomfortably. "Back to the clothes. The robes?"

"They're just something to wear." Snape said.

"Okay. And as Danni correctly observed you don't have much colour in your wardrobe. Why's that?" Susannah asked.

"I don't know really…" Snape admitted.

"Real men can wear colour, you know? They can actually pull it off quite well. Look at these two blokes. Cameron is rocking that red knitted jumper, and Abe pulls off that moss-green printed tee brilliantly." Susannah said.

"Bet he looks even better in pink…" Snape said maliciously.

"Dude! Seriously-"

"Oh for God's sake you two! Grow up already. Cam if you can't do your job here and just film then we'll get someone else." Trinie said.

"I'm fine. It's all good." Cameron muttered darkly.

"Right. Thank you." Trinie said.

"Is choosing not to wear colour because you have that idea that men keep to dark colours and brighter colours are more for women? Or is it something you've been doing so long you don't even really think about?" Susannah asked.

"Both?" Snape suggested.

"Okay because I'm looking at your colouring and thinking you could get away with something that's not quite so drab. Black hair works well with all colours so you're quite lucky there. And your skin is definitely quite pale, even a little sallow, so something like a lighter blue, a green, possibly a red, yellow or even orange, wouldn't make you look too washed out I don't think. Have you ever considered fake tan?" Trinie asked.

"No." Snape didn't even know what fake tan was.

"There was a photo we had that we didn't put up on the screen before that showed you coming out of some kind of shop and you were wearing checked golf pants with a business shirt and sandals. It's probably the worst look we've ever seen doing this show- and let me tell you Severus, we've seen some truly frightening things." Susannah said.

Danni snorted but Snape was pretending like she was not even there.

"Considering what you have in your cupboard I think you are going to use the entire two thousand pounds we allocated to you for new clothing." Trinie remarked, offhandedly.

Snape's ears pricked up. "Two thousand?" He repeated, not sure he had heard correctly.

"That's right. Very nice huh?" Trinie asked.

"Nice. Yes." Snape agreed. Pity it was Muggle money but he could take it to Gringotts and change it into real money. He didn't want to waste that kind of cash on crappy clothes he'd never even wear. The news of this remuneration made the prospect a fair bit easier to stomach- being a professor at Hogwarts wasn't exactly high-paying. Snape frequently thought that he and the other teachers there deserved a lot more money than they were being paid with all they had to deal with.

"Severus do you wear anything under the robe? I mean Scotsmen don't wear anything under their kilts, what about you and this cloak thing?" Danni asked.

"I beg your pardon?" Snape stared at her affronted.

"Are you commando?" Danni pressed.

"Am I a soldier?" Snape asked.

Danni laughed. "Oh god, you crack me up Severus. I mean are you naked?"

"No. I have clothes on under the robe." Snape said.

"Anyway we think you've got a decent figure- although you could probably benefit from working out at the gym a couple of times a week to get some six-packs going and some muscles. Tone up a bit around the stomach. But what I think is most important for you Severus is that you need a major fashion overhaul and you need it yesterday." Trinie said.

"I think he could probably do that casual look too. You know jeans, three quarter length pants, cargos, casual shirts, that sort of thing." Susannah said.

Trinie looked Snape up and down and then nodded. "Whatever happens we've got a lot of work ahead of us- so let's get going!"


	5. Facespace is for twits

Chapter Five: FaceSpace is for Twits!

Summonses to the headmaster's office weren't uncommon so, when Snape was called in to see Dumbledore two days later, he had no idea what it was about. Mentally he went through recent events: Fudge's ultimatum, the meeting with the moronic muggle Lee-Manners, the upcoming mini-series and school related business. Snape wondered if Dumbledore had realised he'd made a huge mistake in hiring Delores Umbrige and had decided that Snape was far more useful than his being stuck in the dingy basement with potions suggested. It wasn't like Umbridge was much of a teacher, let alone much of a person, and Snape suspected Dumbledore had similar feelings to those of the rest of the teachers which was that her days were numbered. The staff members tried to avoid their newest member of staff, especially since she'd banished a couple of professors and put a few others on notice. Even more interesting to Snape though was that he'd heard the students complaining about her classes all the time- even more than they complained about potions which was a huge shock to him as he'd always been the most hated teacher and won the "Git of the year" and "Worst teacher to ever have children of their own" awards in the school's yearbook produced by the graduating class throughout his entire tenure. Not surprisingly Snape was kind of pleased at the thought that this year someone else might take the two titles away from him. The headmaster's track record for hiring DADA teachers was bad, to say the least, since all engaged for the position had been failures: there was the one who had been possessed by Voldemort and tried to kill Potter (not altogether a bad thing in Snape's opinion), one who had been vain and in love with himself and ended up going mad, one who had been a werewolf and one who had been kidnapped before taking the spot up and impersonated all year by a madman supporter of Voldemort. Yup it wasn't a job that younger men or women would be rushing to do.

Or perhaps for some reason the Association had informed the headmaster of Snape's acceptance and Dumbledore wanted to congratulate them since not many teachers at Hogwarts had been honoured by their relevant academic societies. That was the most likely reason for this impromptu meeting!

After climbing the stone staircase Snape rapped on the headmaster's office door.

"Hola!"

Snape frowned but shrugged and opened the door. The headmaster was standing by the fireplace and if the rug was anything to go by he'd been pacing back and forth for a while.

"Hola headmaster?" Snape asked.

Dumbledore looked a little confused for a moment but then he smiled and nodded. "I'm experimenting. Enter sounds too authoritarian, come in too childlike, greetings too posh and hi too common. What do you think?"

Snape gave a small shrug. "I've always liked greetings and salutations but whatever revs your scooter."

"Engine." Dumbledore corrected absently. "It's whatever revs your engine."

Snape didn't reply.

"Thirsty Severus? I've got this new caramel, lemon, thyme and sugar tea that's simply to die for." Dumbledore offered. He held up an absurd looking teapot with gaudy purple and pink flowers decorating it.

"Erm…no. Thanks." Snape replied.

"Hungry? These things are called ice vo-vo's and I have to confess to being somewhat addicted to them. They're incredibly more-ish." Dumbledore offered a plate which matched the teapot.

Again Snape declined. "Did you invite me here for a tea party headmaster?"

"No, no. I was just trying to be a good host." Dumbledore looked a little hurt but he came around the desk and sat in his chair. Snape took the one facing the headmaster across the desk and waited.

"I've got a couple of things to discuss with you Severus."

"Yes headmaster?" Snape asked respectfully. How would he react when Dumbledore informed him he finally had the acceptance? Cool and calm, excited, or his usual self?

"I read this in _The Daily Prophet_ this morning and I thought you might want to take a look." Dumbledore said, and he passed him a page clipped from the wizarding newspaper.

Not sure what was going on Snape took the paper and began to read:

This reporter has a scoop for all fans of Hogwarts professor turned Muggle celebrity, Severus Snape. On this week's edition of "What Not To Wear" (a Muggle television show) our Severus will be shown. Promo's for the show reveal Severus is not entirely happy with the idea; in fact we see him spitting the dummy (a Muggle saying) after being told he can't keep the money but has to spend it on clothes as well as when the two style gurus ask to see him in just his underwear. When Severus's wardrobe was looked over and panned by Trinnie and Susannah we get the sense that his temper is boiling under the surface, ready to explode with little motivation. And that motivation? Well you're going to have to watch the show to find out that but I will give you a little hint since I love you so much dear readers: what do you get when you cross a surly reluctant star, a mob of over-excited teenage girls and a glass of red wine? I can only ask what will Severus be up to next? Keep your eyes and ears tuned witches and warlocks because this reporter senses we have not yet seen the last of Severus Snape on our television screens. In fact my sources tell me that pre-production on the new Cutting Edge mini-series "William The Wizard" is close to finishing and filming will begin in London next month and that Severus Snape will be reprising the role he made famous in the big-screen blockbuster. While no official announcement has been made yet expect to see Severus on your television screens in the very near future…

Snape shook his head and threw the paper back onto the headmaster's desk.

"Severus the Minister isn't pleased with this article. He sent it by courier owl for my urgent perusal and gave me instructions to discuss it with you." Dumbledore said.

Snape spread his hands. "I'm sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I don't know what to tell you."

"Why don't you start with disobeying the Minister's instructions to play bat." Dumbledore suggested.

"He said I had to go on a Muggle show. He didn't mention anything about those two insane, aggravating, ugly, banshee-laughing freaks." Snape protested.

"I would have thought that would have been implicit in his instructions." Dumbledore said.

"Well we're not all as smart as you." Snape snapped.

Dumbledore was, unsuccessfully, trying to hide a smile. "You know that this episode being aired this week could give you some bad press?"

"With the Muggles. Big deal. I'm not losing any sleep over that." Snape said with a shrug.

"I believe someone named Zorba Lee-Manners isn't quite so nonchalant about what you did." Dumbledore said casually.

"They ambushed me sir. I was leaving the production office and they were suddenly there, picking on my clothes, making fun of me, and filming it all. How would you have reacted?" Snape defended himself.

"More graciously than you I hope. Would I be correct in assuming that you won't be watching the show tonight?" Dumbledore asked.

"I'd rather have a Hippogriff eat my private parts." Snape responded.

Dumbledore chuckled but then his face turned somber in repose as he regarded Snape thoughtfully for a couple of moments. "The thing is, Severus, that sometimes things do get a _little_ out of hand in life. Not just this whole "What Not To Wear" business but also the whole cult of what the Muggles call celebrity. I know you didn't want to be in "William The Wizard" but stumbled into it- literally- and I know you don't want to be in the new "William" series or those reality shows that the Minister told you about. Unfortunately though you are in them and as such you have got to think about what you say or do before you say it or it will reflect poorly on you with the Muggles."

"With all due respect Professor Dumbledore I don't particularly care about what the Muggles think about me." Snape pointed out.

"I know that. A blind and deaf man could see that. Nonetheless Fudge does care about how you are perceived and you're skating on thin ice with him already Severus. I'm just warning you to tread carefully…" Dumbledore explained. He locked his hands together and placed them on the desk. "As unfair as this might seem to us when the Muggles view someone as a celebrity they see you as fair game; you're in the public eye and they can say or do anything to satisfy the public's need for gossip."

"Is there no way to stop it?" Snape implored the headmaster. He knew that Dumbledore, despite sometimes making stupid decisions and allowing his heart to get in the way of things, was a very wise man. Surely he would know how to finish this Muggle business once and for all and how to let him, Snape, get back to his normal life?

"I don't know that you can. I suppose things will run their course, and the Muggles will eventually have had enough of you and that will be it. I suggest, however, perhaps not venturing into Muggle London for awhile?" Dumbledore replied.

Snape frowned.

"That's not the only thing the Minister wanted me to bring to your attention-" Dumbledore began.

"If Fudge, sorry _mister_ Fudge, is worried about my actions why doesn't he come here and tell me himself? I don't want to do this thing, be on Muggle television again, but I know when I'm beat and I know that this is one such occasion. I'll do the stupid show but he can't ask me to like it, to enjoy it, or to be happy about it." Snape continued on his tangent, getting a little worked up.

"That's not the second thing. It's about the internet." Dumbledore said.

"The inter-what?" Snape asked. The word rang some kind of bell of familiarity deep in the recess of his mind but he didn't know why that was or where from.

"Internet. It's this Muggle thing on a computer where you can talk to people all over the world, view information and websites globally, all in the privacy and comfort of your own home. Hogwarts is going online you know." Dumbledore said.

"It is?" Snape asked faintly.

"The site should be up and running by the end of the month. The students can chat with students at our brother and sister schools all over the world. It's this excellent thing." Dumbledore explained.

Snape shrugged.

"So I'm assuming you didn't set up a…what was it called again? Let me just check my notes…" Dumbledore took a couple of minutes to sift through the parchments on his desktop and then found the relevant one. "FaceSpace? You didn't set up a FaceSpace profile?"

"I don't even know what FaceSpace is." Snape assured the headmaster.

"Then I think you're going to want to get on a computer and look. An account has been set up in the name of Severus Syrill Symphony Severus." Dumbledore said.

"Someone is pretending to be me?" Snape was more than outraged.

"Apparently." Dumbledore confirmed.

Snape swore and thought about what he'd do to the person who did this, faked his personality, and how much it would hurt and how long it would last for. "Is the person a Muggle or a witch or wizard?"

"Well we don't know- that's kind of the point about the internet, people can be completely anonymous. Judging by the content the person knows you relatively well so all signs point towards the culprit being from the wizarding world." Dumbledore replied.

"Can't the police deal with them? Throw them into Azkaban?" Snape queried.

Dumbledore shook his head. "No. The internet is unregulated so even if the person pretending to be you was found they wouldn't be punished since no law exists about that sort of thing."

Snape sighed heavily. Could this week get any worse?

"According to the online Snape, who is 50 years old, looking for sexual relationships, casual sex, friendship and networking with men and women and a member of the Church of Satan, you have already amassed a staggering 1007 friends." Dumbledore said.

"I'm popular." Snape muttered. He didn't think he really knew over a thousand people let alone could count that many as his friends.

"There are also hundreds of photographs of you on the page; supposed family albums, school days, and photos from "William the Wizard" and the promotional duties associated with the role." Dumbledore added.

Snape was furious. "How dare they? And how could someone get access to my private photographs?"

"Again it does rather point to a wizard or witch, doesn't it?" Dumbledore said.

"Probably a student. Maybe one I failed or took a lot of points off. We need to search the dorms and find out who has done this." Snape insisted. His mind was already running through a checklist of all the pupils- former and present- of Hogwarts who might want to get revenge on him. It was a long list. Top of it though was Potter, Weasley and Granger. Potter probably had the idea, Weasley probably egged him on in his role as sidekick with no brains and no guts to stick up for himself and Granger had taken the idea and run with it in her capacity as the smartest girl in the entire school as well as her outside life as a Muggle.

"Hopefully the Minister will be able to get the page taken down but it might take a couple of days. So if people ask about your FaceSpace page tell them it's an imposter." Dumbledore advised.

"How could anyone think it really is me? FaceSpace is, clearly, for twits." Snape was not only angry but also rather hurt by the whole thing.

"Clearly." Dumbledore agreed. "Can I tell you a guilty little secret Severus?"

Snape nodded.

"I spend my private time Googling myself." The headmaster said.

Snape almost choked. "Headmaster what you do in the privacy of your own…erm office or bedroom is not my business." He managed to say.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement. "You misunderstand me Severus. Google is an internet search engine. You type in whatever it is you're looking to find in the search box and then get the most relevant websites listed. I have looked up Albus Dumbledore occasionally. And other people I know."

**

Curiosity got the better of Snape and that evening he transfigured a Muggle television from one of the cats roaming the castle and, sitting in the solitude of his dungeon office, he tuned into "What Not To Wear" with a fair bit of trepidation. He had thought about the fact that he could probably do with some moral support and in that matter Lalita- the woman who would be his girlfriend if Snape let her- would have only been too happy to oblige, but then Snape decided that he didn't really want her to witness his humiliation. It didn't occur to him that more than likely she was watching the show elsewhere, or if it did, he chose not to think about it.

"Hi, I'm Trinie." The annoying woman's face came onto the television screen.

"And I'm Susannah." The second annoying woman's face popped up next to the first.

"And this is 'What Not To Wear.'" Both spoke at the same time.

"Tonight we're having a special edition of our top-rating show. Normally we target everyday citizens who have committed such crimes against fashion that if the law agreed they'd be locked up and the key thrown away. Normally we help those who need to know that leopard print belongs in the twentieth century not the twenty-first. Normally we educate those who think that Ugg Boots should be worn in public and that the name alone should give them a clue that they're one of the ugliest shoe choices ever made. But tonight, for something different, we're looking at celebrities." Trinie said.

The camera panned back to show the two women's full length's. Trinie was wearing dark blue jeans that, to Snape's untrained eye, looked painted on they were that tight, black heels that were close to six inches tall and a dark purple wooly jumper. Susannah was in a black dress, red heels which were about the same height as Trinie's and a matching big red necklace and bracelet. Snape wondered how they honestly believed they were qualified to talk about clothing?

"Now the fashion choices of celebrities are universally studied and critiqued or applauded on a regular basis. Wearing the wrong dress to the Oscars or a movie premiere, being seen out clubbing without wearing the proper underwear, wearing an outfit more than once or not looking fresh-faced and bright after a marathon party session the night before can make or break a celebrities career. It might seem unfair but that's the nature of the beast. And what this means is that most celebrities- especially A List- have a team of stylists, make-up gurus, hairdressers and personal trainers whose main goal is to make the celebrity look hot on the red carpet or just ducking out for a super sized Starbucks fare." Susannah said.

"I notice you said _most_ celebrities." Trinie said.

"Right, I did. Some celebrity's always get it right; Kiera Knightly, Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt and George Clooney rarely put a Jimmy Choo or Armani loafer wrong in the style stakes. Others try hard but seem to miss rather than hit the perfect outfit. And others still cannot seem to get it right ever, like Bijou Phillips and Ellen De Generisse." Susannah said.

"Which is where we come in tonight." Trinie said. "Tonight we've volunteered to help two celebrities whose sense of style is non-existent. At least in our minds anyway."

"And to help do this we've got a special co-host." Susannah told the viewers with a smile so bright and so huge that Snape thought a clown would be jealous. The woman was obviously star-struck. Or insane. Or both.

"The special co-host has an international profile. First, as a young girl, she was on a Saturday evening singing show called "Young Talent Time" back in her home country of Australia. After that she scored a role in one of the most popular soap shows both in Australia and here in the UK. That was where she first met her husband. They divorced unfortunately and he went on to become one of the stars of a huge rating American show. After that our special guest decided to follow in the footsteps of her famous older sister again by moving to England to pursue her singing career. She's had plenty of hits and her dance music is favourites of club-goers everywhere. Recently she was a judge on "The X Factor" and "Australia's Got Talent." And she's about to release the first single for her upcoming album- an album she describes as getting back to her singing roots and something she's wanted to write and record for a very long time rather than her club anthems of late. The first single from her about to be released album is titled "Sisters" and is based on the bonds sisters have with one another as well as being a tribute to her own sister, Kylie Minogue. Yes, in case you haven't guessed, I'm talking about Danni Minogue!" Trinie said.

The camera showed Trinie and Susannah walking down one of the more fashionable streets in London talking to the camera. A few people recognised them and two even asked for their autographs before they ducked into a doorway and into a hotel lobby. The foyer was pretty grand with marble floors and columns and gold all over the fixtures so Snape thought it a safe assumption to think it was an up market hotel. Danni was sitting in the tea room sipping a coffee in a black sequined dress that wouldn't have been underdressed for a black tie formal event. She squealed with excitement when Trinie and Susannah walked into the room and she got up to hug and kiss their cheeks like she was so excited to see them and surprised at the same time even though Snape figured it was most definitely something they'd already discussed and agreed on. Muggles were strange creatures, he thought, not for the first time.

For a few minutes the three women mutually gushed over one another's achievements, with especial emphasis on Danni's upcoming album called "Born Free." Snape snorted disdainfully; what was the bet that this Danni chick couldn't sing, was in fact even a worse singer than Kylie, and just wanted to ride the coat-tails of Kylie's recent success? Which reminded him of the tip he'd received that morning, anonymously by owl, that Kylie had been approached to sing the theme song for the "William the Wizard" mini-series. Snape couldn't think of a worse person to be asked that, especially considering the way she'd portrayed him in her new song.

Just thinking about the song "You broke my heart Mr. S" made him want to curse the nearest person- be they Muggle, witch or wizard or other magical being. The song, released just before Christmas, wasn't backward in coming forward and Snape was sure everyone knew exactly who "Mr. S" truly was. Some of the lyrics of the song which painted him as a complete arsehole, were stuck in Snape's mind still.

"_You peeled off my clothes, layer by layer, _

_and when we made love I gazed into your soul, _

_but you were just a player, _

_with an empty hole in your chest."_

Obviously Kylie had conveniently forgotten the fact that Snape hadn't slept with her and he hadn't even kissed her.

"_I thought we were forever,_

_I thought we were the perfect fit,_

_I imagined you'd leave me never,_

_but you turned out to be a lying shit."_

Fabrications and exaggerations since Snape had never let her think he had feelings for her and that they could be in a relationship.

"_You collect women's hearts like trading cards,_

_you make notches on your bedposts,_

_you cause heartbreak and pain worthy of The Bard,_

_and of your conquests you will boast…_

_You broke my heart, Mr. S._

_I loved you much,_

_but you loved me less,_

_I would have done anything for you,_

_and now I see it was all too good to be true…_

_You broke my heart, Mr. S."_

Snape shuddered involuntarily- maybe he should sue Kylie for not only making up lies and slandering his character but worse, letting people think he'd have ever have slept with her?

"You're very close with your sister, Kylie, aren't you?" Susannah asked Danni.

"Enormously. We've always been close but I think more so since I moved over to London and the rest of our family is back in Melbourne. Kylie's an amazing person, an amazingly strong woman, so incredibly talented, and just my role model really." Danni said.

"I think the way she dealt with her cancer would really inspire people." Trinie said.

Danni nodded. "Actually after she was diagnosed and beat the cancer the rates of women getting tested for cancer back in Australia really went up. And Kylie was so incredibly humbled by that. So because of her battle I'm actually donating 20% of all sales for the "Sisters" single and the album to the Cancer Council."

"Oh wow, what an awesome thing to do!" Susannah gushed.

Snape rolled his eyes.

Finally the show got down to business. The camera transported the three women from the hotel to the large studio-type apartment where Snape had been taken to see the footage of himself and his wardrobe.

"Tonight we see not one but two celebrities in dire need of a makeover." Susannah told the viewer. "And you'll see that one of them was less than pleased with the whole concept. We see our show as doing a public service, saving people from their fashion disasters and helping the rest of the country out by not subjecting them to some truly shocking, truly scary, outfits. Unfortunately our first guest didn't quite see it that way…"

"Presenting none other than the serial offending kookiest, strangest, by far worst dressed "celebrity" in the UK- Mr. Severus Snape!" Trinie said and the show cut to footage of Trinie, Susannah and Danni accosting Snape on the street and hit utter bewilderment and reluctance to get involved in the show. Surprisingly there was no mention of Snape's monetary compensation for appearing in the show although there was a close up of the look of disappointment on his face when told that the money allocated to him was for clothes only.

The cat television meowed plaintively but Snape ignored its plea.

There was an ad break and then the show came back on with Snape being hauled over the coals by the three women about his clothing choices. Seeing the footage of himself being shown the secret footage that the three women had obtained on a large screen made Snape wince anew. Even though he knew that everyone in the wizarding world would consider his attire perfectly normal Snape also knew that there were a lot of Muggles who would be almost falling off their seats laughing at this point. Bizarrely the first thought that came into his mind was 'I bet Lee-Manners thinks this is, like, totally, wicked.' The second thought was 'Please don't let Lalita see this because that will ruin any chance we ever have of getting things together.' And the third thought was 'Kill me now!'

"After seeing himself on camera Mr. Snape was forced to admit he wasn't exactly the most stylish of dressers. In fact he seemed extremely open to our suggestions about what kinds of clothes he should wear and we thought we were definitely going to have a major success story with him, but then things turned sour. We were too quick to congratulate ourselves." Susannah explained in a voice over. The footage showed Snape getting annoyed as the women went through his meager wardrobe, as Danni asked about whether he wore anything under the cloak, and they mocked his robe, wizards and everything else before, finally, he boiled over.

"I'm out." Snape said on-screen.

"What?" Trinie demanded on-screen.

"I don't care about who said I'd do what, I don't care about money you're offering me, I don't care about getting all these new, free clothes, I don't care about any of this shit." Snape snapped. "I. Am. Out."

"Mr. Snape I know seeing the footage of you was painful. But we take a tough-love approach on these sorts of things. This is a clothing intervention and, I'm sorry to say, you really do need it." Trinie said.

Snape shook his head obstinately. "No. Sorry but no." He said, tight-lipped and anger evident in every line of his face or body.

"We can help you Mr. Snape. We really can. We only picked celebrities for this special edition we knew we could help." Susannah pleaded.

The on-screen Snape shook his head one more, final, time, and left the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that the camera jumped with the movement.

Trinie and Susannah appeared on the screen again, with Danni in the middle, in the present. All looked a combination of disappointed, remorseful and even a little gleeful that Snape had given them such good television and Snape groaned audibly.

"Alas we tried to help Mr. Snape but he didn't seem to want our help." Trinie gravely intoned. "In fact throughout our time on this show he's been the first person to react so violently to our advice and storm out. Sure people have been offended, hurt, surprised that their clothing choices were so offensive when they'd never guessed, angry at themselves, their loved ones and even us, they've reacted in a whole myriad of ways. But never like Mr. Severus Snape. I can only surmise that he thinks, misguidedly, that he's setting some kind of fashion trend in that robe. Or that he really believes that clothes do not maketh the man and aren't extensions of our personalities, letting us show what we feel inside on the outside. Whatever the case we offered Mr. Snape our services, offered to help him on our award-winning, top-rating show, but he didn't want our help. If you're watching Mr. Snape- and I have a strong feeling you are- daggy clothes from the 80's, 70's, 50's, 30's, 20's and even from the 1800's will come back into fashion before that robe you wear all the time. The day I see a woman walking around with shingled hair with rolled waves and a flappers beaded headband, a 50's "Grease" style skirt and housewife's apron, a floral shirt with peace signs from the hippie era and shoulder pads on the shirt from the 80's might, remotely possibly, be the day that you are in style."

On the television screen a selection of shots of Snape were accompanied by a song that was vaguely familiar to Snape; a photo from his Wizarding University graduation, some stills from the "William The Wizard" movie, and a few taken from red-carpet and promotional activities rounded it out.

Snape sighed and transfigured the cat back into its proper form and it promptly ran from the room hastily. He'd known it was going to be pretty bad but somewhere in his mind a voice had kept telling him that maybe, just maybe, he was overreacting and it wasn't going to be _too_ painful. The voice was wrong and needed to be locked up in a straightjacket at Saint Mungo's- maybe it could share a room with Lockhart since he'd probably end up back there again at some point. It had been worse than just embarrassing and annoying, especially since Snape thought it highly likely that many of the Hogwarts students had access to televisions or devices which allowed them to watch Muggle television and movies on them and not many of them would have passed up the chance to watch their potions teacher's humiliation.

As a general rule he had never cared an iota for what the Muggles thought of him but in this instance is was bothering him a little. He wasn't sure why but thought it might have had something to do with the fact that he was going to be, reluctantly, interacting with the Muggles very closely and in high quantities soon. After seeing Snape's performance on "What Not To Wear" those same Muggles might enjoy teasing him and annoying him even more so and working with them would be more unbearable than with the Hampton Production of William. The Minister for Magic didn't have any idea how much he was asking of Snape to film something that, in Snape's eyes and probably also the eyes of other wizards and witches, made fun of, glorified and misrepresented the wizarding world.

Snape had always had a problem with Muggles and also with letting half witch/half wizards who showed signs of magic, such as Granger, into Hogwarts. Occasionally he actually thought he understood why Voldemort had so many issues with Muggles- although the dark wizard was taking this dislike to the extreme. Not for the first time Snape wondered what Voldemort would think of his being on "William the Wizard" movie and mini-series. He felt a bit like he was caught between a rock (Fudge) and a hard place (Voldemort).

He stood up quickly, his chair falling over behind him with a loud crash. After a year of being a Muggle plaything and the butt of everyone's jokes, with another similar year yet to come, Snape was pretty tired of it all. The idea of moving to the South Pole- probably as far from Britain as was humanely possible to get- was bloody tempting. The next Muggle to cross his path, even if they didn't look twice at him, would likely cop a curse. And woe betide any Muggle, or perhaps even any wizard, who attempted to make fun of Severus Snape anytime soon!

Before going up to bed Snape decided to have a look at the one of the magazine's he'd bought in Diagon Alley after his meeting with Lee-Manners in London. Originally he'd thought to get the three magazines in Hogsmeade but then decided he was too well known in that area and the fact that Snape was buying magazine's targeted at teenage and twenty-something witches wasn't something he wanted bandied about. Snape opened his magically locked top drawer and moved aside "Fairy" to get to "CosmoWitch". Originally he'd decided not to read a single word written about him in Muggle or wizarding magazines nor any reviews of the movie but curiosity had gotten the better of him. And, when the first reviews from the sneak previews came out and declared the film magnificent he'd changed his rule and made a point of finding out what people thought. Even though he usually was left fuming at some of the articles he couldn't seem to get enough of the press on him- after all this was the first time in his life that Snape had ever had people appreciate him (even if this wasn't really what he wanted to be appreciated for), like him, in some cases even declare their love for him, and generally say good things about him. No wonder he was addicted.

Snape checked the contents page and flicked through to what he was searching for. He'd expected something bigger, in fact he'd been expecting a full size page, but instead it was just one of three reviews for movies currently on the cinema screens, a review of "The Flaming Cauldron's" latest "gig" and a play "Beaubaxtons" had put on. The review was headed "From the halls of Hogwarts to Hollywood: Did Severus Snape pull of playing a wizard in a Muggle movie?" and Snape began to read:

As "William the Wizard" begins to fade on our big screen ahead of its rushed release onto DVD many people are asking the question of whether Severus Snape, the potions master at "Hogwarts", pulled off playing the role of a wizard in a Muggle production? And my answer: hell yes he did! I admit to going into the cinema with the preconception that Snape was going to be the laughing stock of our community with a lack of emotional range essential in actors, wooden delivery of dialogue, and unbelievability in his role. I'd seen the reviews- how could I not have?- but people's movie tastes are subjective. Some people might say Zac Effron (little secret here: Effron's mother is actually part witch and was schooled right here in the UK at "Hogwarts" for about a year and a half before moving country) is destined for a long-lasting career even after his appeal to the tween generation is dead and buried, others argue that he's just a one-trick pony. Some people might think Bruce Willis has gone one better than Sylvester Stallone, whereas others might think he should stick to action sequences and not bother talking.

Back to "William the Wizard." The movie doubtless had impeccable pedigree; a "Hampton Productions" film, with Hampton himself directing in his first outing as a director for over six years after having collected countless Oscars, Emmy's, BAFTA's and many, many other award accolades during his long service to the business. The director and production team could have had absolutely any leading man they wanted- Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, to actors on our side of the "big Pond" like Clive Owen, Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman. After all who among them would have turned down a lead role in a Hampton production, a movie guaranteed to be a blockbuster and being hailed as major Oscar's chance before filming even began? Instead Hampton made the bold move of going with relative unknowns.

Emma Wilcox plays Wendy, the wife of the lead character, and before the movie her credits included a small part in a remake of "Jane Eyre", a three-story arc in perennial favourite "Doctor Who" and a blink-and-you-miss-it part in "Love Actually." She had, however, spent a fair bit of time strutting the boards on the West End in an original play by Monty Python's Michael Pallin as well as "Romeo and Juliet."

Severus Snape plays William. The story of how Snape came to get the part is already legendary with him walking through the auditions for the wizard and offering constructive criticism on the name of the dark wizard in the script as well as costumes and spells. To say I was skeptical about Snape's inclusion in the movie would be like saying that a goblin doesn't have a good fiscal plan and money in the bank or that fairy's aren't distracted by shiny things.

Movies about the magical world of witches and wizards are a Sickle a dozen so this witch went to see "WTW" expecting to see a movie crammed full of typical Muggle misconceptions about the wizarding world; very few Hollywood movies or television series' (think "Teen Witch", "Escape to Witch Mountain", "The Wizard of Mars", "Sabrina the Teenage Witch", "Charmed" and "Warlocks R Us" amongst them) hit the nail on the head. So when I didn't see people being turned into frogs, or having liberal sprinklings of "love potion" poured over their morning cereal or even being able to read other's minds in the first few minutes I suddenly realised that this movie just might be the exception to the rule. In fact the movie managed to make this hardened movie skeptic actually care about the main characters and by the end of the movie I was completely rooting for the good guys. In a "Knut-shell" the movie manages to both poke fun at the Muggle world- the best example being the inept British Prime Minister- as well as the wizarding world, all in all, making for a thoroughly entertaining movie that every witch and wizard should see.

Snape glanced at the key to the side of the page and saw that the movie had been rated "4 out of 5 Martinis- and make mine a dirty martini if Severus Snape is involved please!" He didn't realise he was holding his breath until he let it out in a whoosh.

"They loved me!" Snape said out loud, the strange words sounding, and tasting, unusual in his mouth.


End file.
